Which Keanu is Your Boyfriend?
Photo taken by Quirk Books
Happy Birthday, Keanu Reeves! This breathtaking power Virgo was born September 2, 1964. Let’s celebrate everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend by finding out just which iteration of Keanu is The One for you.
You and your boyfriend Keanu meet-cute…
a. Just like so many strong couples do—while working closely together to thwart the evil overlords out to sap humankind of its life force.
b. At an all-night noodle shop, after battling it out with some literal demons in the neon-lit streets of LA. You cute little night owls, you!
c. He tried doing a skateboard trick and wiped out in front of you. It was ok though! He got back up and let you know he has, like, strong cartilage or something.
d. You both use the same public bench as your brooding destination of choice. It was only a matter of time until your paths crossed.
You and your Keanu have your first date…
a. By accident, as you are thrown together by circumstances beyond your control. You spent most of the time bantering and saving each other… with undertones of sexual tension.
b. At a seedy dive bar that may or may not be run by a demonic entity.
c. Paintballing, where you take no prisoners and CRUSH your enemies. Yeah, they are ten years old, but whatever man!
d. Sighing wistfully and talking about loneliness over coffee.
Your boyfriend Keanu likes to kiss you…
a. Dramatically, after you’ve taken out the bad guys. An explosion in the background is optional, but welcome.
b. Passionately, but only after burying his weapons in the basement again and taking a nice, long shower.
c. When your folks aren’t looking.
d. Slowly and deeply in an empty bar, after exchanging a lot of sassy yet heartfelt banter and “Every Breath You Take” starts to play.
You and Keanu go together like…
a. Pop quizzes and hot shots
b. Haunted men and cigarettes
c. Best friends and bank robberies
d. Lakes and Houses
Your Keanu’s love language is…
a. Acts of Service—doing the laundry, saving the world, making sure you have what you need to keep the bus above 50 miles per hour.
b. Physical Touch—tender for you, and tough for anyone foolish enough to try and collect the bounty on your head.
c. Quality time—and quality time travel, too.
d. Gifts—sandwiches, cupcakes, bottles of wine, and a seat saved on his favorite park bench—and motorcycle.
Music is the food of love. You and your Keanu have a taste for…
a. Whatever you wish to listen to, Keanu will oblige.
b. Ariana Grande. What? You have layers.
c. Acoustic guitar singalongs round beachside campfires.
d. Jangly alternative rock, as played in the background when you guys finally make up after a tearful misunderstanding.
You and Keanu always celebrate your anniversary by…
a. Getting couples massages.
b. Communing with the Great Beyond.
c. Doing something awesome and adrenaline-filled and maybe ending up in the hospital.
d. Staring into each other’s eyes between crying breaks. One of these days, you’ll pull off one of these ill-conceived bank heists of yours. Until then, at least you have each other!
MOSTLY As: Good Guy Keanu
You love a man of action, whose heart is true, haircut is tight, and whose turtleneck is either tactical or of finest black cashmere. Your Keanu is a true hero, whether he’s saving the world, a bus full of people, someone’s honor, or simply complimenting your achievements.
Let the sun of your The One shine on you by watching The Matrix, Speed, A Walk In the Clouds, and Something’s Gotta Give.
MOSTLY Bs: Good Bad Guy Keanu
You love a bad boy with a heart of gold and a dangerous data package in his head. Together, you crack wise–and some skulls. But only in pursuit of saving the world!
Throw down with your surly or silent hunk of complicated hero by watching Constantine, The Devil’s Advocate, any John Wick, and Johnny Mnemonic.
MOSTLY Cs: Sweet Baby Angel Keanu
Maybe your baby is a few presidential face masks short of a set, but you like him that way. Your Keanu makes up for what he lacks in brains with heart and enthusiasm. Some Keanus may go on a spree of vengeance over a puppy, but your Keanu pretty much is one.
Cozy up to your pup by watching Bill & Ted 1 or 2, Point Break, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and Parenthood.
MOSTLY Ds: Washed Up Everyman Keanu
Some Keanus save the world, and some hide out on their boat house to escape their failed football careers. Some give the devil his literal due, and some get a lot of crap from their partners in a string of failed small-time crimes. Your Keanu may not be the Chosen One, but he would definitely choose to write you loving letters about his path to redemption and send them to you from across time and space.
Settle in with your guy by watching The Replacements, Feeling Minnesota, The Lake House, and all Sad Keanu memes.
For Your Consideration: Keanu Reeves is out October 15 from Quirk Books, by Kitty Curran and Larissa Zageris.
Larissa Zageris and Kitty Curran are the creative team behind the hit viral Kickstarter project Taylor Swift: Girl Detective as well as countless other zines and comics. Larissa is a writer, educator, and photographer whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, among many other internet places. Kitty is an illustrator and comics artist who is Actually British and knows all about courtship rituals, the peerage, and upper-crust accents.