(Teen Magazine) Interviews with Vampires
[Still from Interview with the Vampire, Warner Bros]
It's that time of year again—the time to watch Interview with the Vampire. It makes us wonder what would happen if vampires were interviewed by journalists for teen magazines. We created our own interviews with our favorite vampires. Just be sure to read them in the sunlight.
Dracula from Dracula by Bram Stoker
Q. You are the OG vampire. What is it like to be the first bloodsucker to become famous?
A. It's pretty nice. When people think of vampires, they usually think of me first. The one downside is that people assume some of my quirks are true for all vampires. I'm unique, dammit.
Q. What do you mean?
A. I hate the smell of garlic, but it is not true for every vampire. I mean, it smells pretty gross, but it won’t kill me. I just won’t get close to your neck if your breath smells.
Q. What do you think of the new generation of vampires?
A. To be honest, I am ashamed of them. Dating teenage girls? Brooding? Sparkling skin? Where is the danger in any of that? Nobody is scared of us anymore. They just want to date us.
Louis from Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
Q. Are you excited for this interview?
A. Um, not particularly. The last interview I had didn’t go so well. He wanted to be a vampire, even after I told him about how much of a bummer it could be.
Q. Don’t worry, we have no desire for that. What's your favorite place for a first date (to suck blood)?
A. I guess I am a homebody. I would happily take my first bite in a beautiful New Orleans home. Preferably in the Garden District. Those houses are huge!
Q. What do you do when you are not sucking blood?
A. I really like acting. I enjoy performing in horror plays for human audiences.
[TV Still from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 20th Century Fox Television]
Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Q. If your soul were a color, what would it be?
A. Blue, because having it makes me sad.
Q. Who is your favorite writer?
A. Sartre. Whenever I get sad about how things are with Buffy, I enjoy reading Nausea. I also enjoy the poetry of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Her poems make great gifts.
Q. Are you a supporter of the abstinence-only movement?
A. Yes. All hell breaks loose otherwise.
Edward from Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Q. What skincare brand do you use to make your skin so sparkly?
A. It comes naturally. Do you think I would choose to turn into a disco ball in the sun? It's embarrassing.
Q. What is your favorite perfume on a woman?
A. I don’t care about the kind. I am more interested in the quantity. The more she wears, the better. That way I am not tempted to…well, you know.
Q. Do you keep any pets?
A. No, I am not a big fan. Especially dogs. They remind me too much of wolves. I hate wolves.
Baz from Carry On by Rainbow Rowell
Q. Where is your favorite hang out spot?
A. The crypt. There are a lot of rats down there. I am never hungry when I'm there.
Q. What do you think about all the fan fiction written about you?
A. I cannot blame them for wanting to write about me. I know I'm pretty amazing. I just wish some of the quality of writing were better. I like Cath’s though.
Q. If you could be trapped with anyone in a coffin, who would it be?
A. Simon, of course.
Sarah Fox is an editor, writer, writing consultant, and pop culture enthusiast. Besides regularly contributing to Quirk Books’ blog, she has published an edition of William Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and Pembroke Welsh Corgi. You can find her online at www.thebookishfox.com.