Worst Case Wednesday: How to Avoid a Vampire Attack

Posted by Justin Boyer

Thanks to Twilight, people have ceased to believe that vampires are blood-thirsty murderers. Bella Swan would have been long dead if she tried dating Dracula.

Anyways, anyone watching Breaking Dawn Part 2 is far more vulnerable to being attacked by vampires after leaving the midnight showing. Who knows if vampires are studying popular culture’s opinion of vampires, and changing their disarming disguise accordingly?

It’s best not to go to the cinema unprepared, as your vampire killer might very well be wearing body shimmer! Here is some insider advice from The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Extreme Edition by David Borgenicht and Joshua Piven that will help you avoid these intelligent killers.

How to Avoid a Vampire Attack

Garlic, Garlic, Garlic: Wear a necklace of strung garlic, which vampires despise. A hearty meal of pasta with garlic sauce and garlic bread will also help to ward them off. A garlic garland on a doorway will prevent a vampire from entering, even if he’s been invited.

Stay outside during daylight hours: While sunlight will not kill vampires, it will severely burn them. Most vampires sleep during daylight hours and avoid direct sunlight whenever possible, preferring to hunt for victims in the dark of night.

Wear a Cross: Vampires dislike crosses, but a cross will not kill a vampire. Press the cross into the vampire’s flesh to cause burning and scarring and drive the vampire away. For some vampires, the wearer of the cross must believe in the power of the cross for it to be an effective weapon.

Do not make direct eye contact: To avoid the vampire’s charms, do not look him directly in the eye.

Carry a vial of holy water: Holy water thrown on a vampire causes severe burning and scarring. It may also be used as a detection device: The water will glow or bubble in the presence of the undead.

Carry a wooden stake: For most vampires, a wooden stake driven through the heart causes death. The stake must be 2 to 2 ½ feet long, with one end sharpened to a point and the other flat. Using a mallet, drive the stake in quickly with a single blow-a second blow may revive the vampire. The stake must pierce the heart and should be made of wood from an ash tree or a cross.