That’s right: March 2, 1904, is the birthday of Dr. Seuss, a.k.a Theodore Seuss Geisel.
We’re lucky to live in a word that contains The Cat in the Hat, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Horton Hears a Who, and all the other frub-bubbulous books of Dr. Seuss… but have you ever wondered what it would be like in a world in which every book was written by Dr. Seuss? Probably not, because you use your brain for other things.
But in honor of the man who proved that a fox can indeed walk around in socks, we’ve used the Quirk Books Literary Atom-Smasher to bring you these well-known opening lines from a few great works of literature, as Dr. Seuss might have improved them. Enjoy!
from A Tale of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Two Cities
by Dr. Seuss
These peasants don’t have anything,
Those nobles have their gold and rings.
But look, here comes the guillotine.
What happens at the guillotine?
I don’t know, go ask the king.
from Green Eggs and Ham and Ulysses
By Dr. Seuss
-I am Buck.
-Buck I am.
-Stately, plump Buck Mulligan
-Do you like green eggs and ham?
-Tell me something, Mulligan,
-Won’t you make Haines go away?
–Introibo ad altare Dei.
-I do not like green eggs and ham,
-I do not like them, Mulligan.
-I will not eat them while you shave,
-I will not eat them in a cave.
-I will not eat them when it rains
-I will not eat them with that Haines
-I will not eat them in a shed
-And by the way, my mom’s still dead.
from Oh, The Places Moby Dick Will Go, or Horton Hears A Whale
by Dr. Seuss
A long time ago in a New England town,
Horton the Elephant wandered around.
His mood went from glum to gloomy to worse,
He hadn’t a single coin left in his purse.
He thought that the only solution would be
To take a long voyage out on the sea.
When all of the sudden he heard a small cry
From a speck of dust spiraling down from the sky.
“How odd,” Horton said, “But I’ll answer that call,”
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
“Who are you?” he asked it, “And where do you dwell?”
And then a voice said, “Call me Ishmael.”
from The Moof-Merkulous Metamorphosis of Bartholomew Cubbins
By Dr. Seuss
The sun has come up
But this man’s still in bed
It seems that he barely
Can lift up his head.
He tries to roll over
And onto the rug
But finds out he’s somehow
Turned into a bug.
“I’m a roach,” moans the man
“Somehow I’ve have changed.
The parts of my body
are all rearranged!”
“My legs are all wiggly,
And six is too many.
My head is now topped with
Long, pointy antennae.”
“I look like a cockroach!
I feel like a jerk!
And the worst thing of all is
I’ll be late for work!”
Posted by Rick Chillot
When it comes to kids clothes, it can be hard to assemble a polished look that can withstand a youngster’s energy. But if there’s anyone who knows how to merge fashion and utility, it’s style photographer and blogger Scott Schuman.
Inspired by his trademark photographer’s cargo jacket and fitted gentleman’s pants, we’ve put together an outfit for a fancy toddler with an early eye for fashion.
Black Cargo Jacket, 77Kids, on sale now for $19.99
Several pockets are essential for storing easy-to-lose gear, like lens caps, CF cards, batteries, GI Joes, LEGOs, ABC gum…
Monet Blue Polo, Old Navy, $9.94
If he’s not killin’ it in a sharp tailored suit, you can find Schuman sporting a crisp blue oxford shirt and slacks. For kids, we suggest a cotton polo instead, for more wiggle room.
Colored Khakis, , Gap $29.95
It’s always important to have a comfy pair of pants when you’re out shooting cool stuff all day. As a budding style photographer, blend in with the fashionistas with relaxed colored slacks.
Boat Shoes, Target, $19.99
Boat shoes for under $20? Need we say we more?
Toy Camera, Romp, $32
Schuman loves timeless looks, so instead of arming your youngster with expensive hardware, top the look off with this polished wooden toy camera by Romp for a truly classic look.
Scott Schuman photo credits:
Posted by Kim-Thao Nguyen
If you need help trying to forget the Jerri Blank years (but why would you?), you might want grab a copy of Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People by Amy Sedaris. Even though cracking open this book of activities is like opening a door to a haunted dollhouse, there’s no denying the charm in her well, quirky outfits.
A peculiar mix between a 1960’s kindergarten teacher and an overzealous but failing Stepford wife, the retro patterns and exaggerated cuts actually make for sweet play clothes. If you’ve got a funny girl in the family, check out this DIY ensemble.
Posted by Kim-Thao Nguyen
Having a baby is not easy, but having a baby in a sitcom seems like a gauntlet of slap-stickery. There are so many moments primed for canned laughter timed with delightful story clichés.
Think you’re ready to head to the hospital? Here are the six guidelines from our sitcom playbook outlining how to properly deliver your precious new plot point.
Posted by Jessica S. Marquis
Not knowing is the worst. As someone who is brand new to this whole ‘creating life’ business, I have found that pregnancy is not all baby-showers and name books. Yes there was that initial burst of unbelievable excitement (“I did WHAT?”) but then, as the reality sets in, there is a lot of waiting. A lot.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. In our age of instantaneous gratification, there is something to be said for waiting for something, especially when that something is going to be the light of your life.
So we wait. Like many other parents-to-be we go through the ups and downs together. I’ve learned quickly that crackers and ginger ale are no longer just food items, but essential medicine to have on-hand at all times. I’ve learned that there are going to be nights where my wife will be awake from four to six, and other days where she will want to go to bed around 7pm. After having taken a nap.
Posted by Mark Kowgier