Posted by Rick Chillot

That’s right: March 2, 1904, is the birthday of Dr. Seuss, a.k.a Theodore Seuss Geisel.

We’re lucky to live in a word that contains The Cat in the Hat, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Horton Hears a Who, and all the other frub-bubbulous books of Dr. Seuss… but have you ever wondered what it would be like in a world in which every book was written by Dr. Seuss? Probably not, because you use your brain for other things.

But in honor of the man who proved that a fox can indeed walk around in socks, we’ve used the Quirk Books Literary Atom-Smasher to bring you these well-known opening lines from a few great works of literature, as Dr. Seuss might have improved them. Enjoy!

from A Tale of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Two Cities
by Dr. Seuss

Best times,
Worst times,
Wise times,
Blurst times.

Blue times,
Light times,
Fool times,
Night times.

These peasants don’t have anything,
Those nobles have their gold and rings.
But look, here comes the guillotine.

What happens at the guillotine?
I don’t know, go ask the king.

from Green Eggs and Ham and Ulysses
By Dr. Seuss

-I am Buck.
-Buck I am.
-Stately, plump Buck Mulligan
-Do you like green eggs and ham?
-Tell me something, Mulligan,

-Won’t you make Haines go away?
Introibo ad altare Dei.
-I do not like green eggs and ham,
-I do not like them, Mulligan.

-I will not eat them while you shave,
-I will not eat them in a cave.
-I will not eat them when it rains
-I will not eat them with that Haines
-I will not eat them in a shed
-And by the way, my mom’s still dead.

from Oh, The Places Moby Dick Will Go, or Horton Hears A Whale
by Dr. Seuss

A long time ago in a New England town,
Horton the Elephant wandered around.
His mood went from glum to gloomy to worse,
He hadn’t a single coin left in his purse.
He thought that the only solution would be
To take a long voyage out on the sea.
When all of the sudden he heard a small cry
From a speck of dust spiraling down from the sky.
“How odd,” Horton said, “But I’ll answer that call,”
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
“Who are you?” he asked it, “And where do you dwell?”
And then a voice said, “Call me Ishmael.”

from The Moof-Merkulous Metamorphosis of Bartholomew Cubbins
By Dr. Seuss

The sun has come up
But this man’s still in bed
It seems that he barely
Can lift up his head.

He tries to roll over
And onto the rug
But finds out he’s somehow
Turned into a bug.

“I’m a roach,” moans the man
“Somehow I’ve have changed.
The parts of my body
are all rearranged!”

“My legs are all wiggly,
And six is too many.
My head is now topped with
Long, pointy antennae.”

“I look like a cockroach!
I feel like a jerk!
And the worst thing of all is
I’ll be late for work!”

Rick Chillot

Rick Chillot

RICK CHILLOT is a former baby and current writer and editor at Quirk Books. He has contributed to magazines such as Psychology Today, Parenting, Mental Floss, and Prevention. In his twenty-plus years in publishing he’s interviewed about a jillion scientists and doctors and therefore had no need to consult any of them for this book.