Kiss, Marry, Kill: Literary Villains

Posted by J. B. Kish

Kiss, Marry, Kill is a game that's inherently weighted in the wrong direction. In it, pajama-clad contestants take turns naming celebrities, cuties, and other beings chiseled from Greek stone before deciding who they would kiss, marry, or wipe off the face of the Earth. That means 33.33% of the time, you’re making a horrific decision, and 66.6% of the time you’re being completely selfish. But what would happen if the lineup of contestants were more, let’s say, morally repugnant? That would invert things, meaning you'd need to take one for the team twice before doing humanity a solid—which makes Kiss, Marry, Kill: Literary Villains far, far more interesting a proposal.

This round: Sauron, Nagini, and Hook. Who would you kiss, marry, or kill?

Kiss: Hook, Peter Pan

At a glance, Hook might not seem like the obvious choice, but consider his personality in both literature and pop-culture. On paper, here’s a man whose "eyes were the blue of the forget-me-not.” In the novel Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie describes him of having "handsome countenance." Combine these ravishing good looks with the exciting (and numerous) personalities he brings to the silver screen, and you've got yourself the perfect Tinder date. One imagines a night out with Hook would go something like this: first, he surprises you with a trip to the zoo, where he avoids the reptile exhibit almost aggressively. Later, he introduces you to his baleful looking friends at a nearby pub. They’re a bit obsessed, but Hook does have a strange kind of magnetism. You’re having a surprisingly good time, but are turned off by how much he waxes poetic about some dude named Peter. So in an effort to shut him up, but also because you’re strongly attracted to his brand of crazy, you press your lips against his. The mustache isn’t half bad, but the breath is almost criminal.


Marry: Sauron, Lord of the Rings

Talk about dedication: Sauron liked it, and he definitely put a ring on it. After marrying this man…Necromancer? Maiar? Anyways, after marrying this tall, dark, and possibly handsome hunk, you'd never have to worry about your partner’s loyalty. Even when he was gone for long stretches of time (like, eons), you’d always feel like he was close by, keeping an ever-watchful eye on you. At your wedding day, his vows would be short and sweet. He’s not a man of many words, but the few he chooses will be good. Probably something like, “You cannot hide,” and "I see you!” Talk about ‘till death do you part.


Kill: Nagini, Harry Potter

You know who we don’t talk about enough? Frank Bryce, that poor muggle sap who got an entire chapter in the limelight before a SNAKE ratted him out for basically doing his job. Cool, thanks Nagini. And then there’s Charity Burbage, the tragic Hogwarts teacher that was tortured and eaten in front of a bunch of Death Eaters like some kind of nightmare buffet. Real classy Nagini. And let’s not even get started on the worlds most offensive halloween costume, Bathilda Bagshot. Seriously, Nagini? Way too soon. But what really tips it over the edge, what really cements this serpent's place in hell, is the attack on Arthur Weasley. Nobody, and we mean nobody attacks the single coolest dad in literature and gets away with it. From that moment on, Nagini had an expiration date floating over her head. We only wish her encounter with the sword of Gryffindor came so much sooner than it did.

J. B. Kish

J. B. Kish

J. B. Kish grew up in the American Southwest and spent most of his childhood concocting strange stories with spooky monsters. Now, he lives in the Pacific Northwest and has begun publishing those childhood nightmares for others. He is the author of two novels, including the paranormal thriller A Wall for Teeth and Stingers, which takes place in both Arizona and Oregon. He has the same birthday as Captain Kathryn Janeway, which is a thing he takes very seriously. Probably too seriously.