What’s Your Wick-sona?
It’s John Wick’s underworld. We’re just living in it.
John Wick 3: Parabellum comes out today, starring Keanu Reeves as everyone’s favorite heartbroken killer of killers (and the bespoke suit game). Quirk authors Kitty Curran and Larissa Zageris took a break from writing For Your Consideration: Keanu Reeves (out Nov 5) to create this quiz for you to take during your downtime at The Continental.
Answer the questions below (with minimal bloodshed, please) to discover which shadowy corner of John Wick’s New York best suits you.
Failure to do so will result in you being labeled excommunicado.
1. How do you unwind after a hard day’s work?
A. Cleaning your weapons—er, workshop—and watching Real Housewives.
B. Indulging in something exquisite while planning the next hard day’s work.
C. Suit shopping and emotional manipulation.
D. Thoughtfully adoring the hot guy you live with.
2. Where would you go on a dream vacation?
A. Between hot-rodding stolen vehicles and making sure your front’s taxes are done, you might not have time. Costa Rica, maybe?
B. Vacation is a dream for those who are asleep–and you are always awake.
C. To the highest seat at The High Table. Then a dance club in the most exclusive of crypts.
D. Somewhere fun and sunny, where you can build memories to treasure in your old age with the guy you love.
3. What is your greatest weakness?
A. An unquestioning loyalty to old friends.
B. An ability to turn a blind eye so effectively that it has given you permanent retina strain.
C. You’ve had them killed.
4. What’s your idea of the perfect date?
A. A bar, a few drinks, and some light stabbing of adversaries. You have simple tastes.
B. A gentleman never tells. But as long as it doesn’t involve mopping up bloodstains again, you’ll be just peachy.
C. Looking at yourself in the mirror. In a hall of mirrors. After using one to kill John Wick.
D. Going anywhere with your best guy in the whole world. Except maybe mob-owned nightclubs.
5. When was the last time you cried?
A. “Up” was on TV last week.
B. One silent tear of joy as you looked over the fruits of your labors.
C. Regret only blinds us to the joy we deserve.
D. When you thought of how things would go for your best guy if he had to live without you, and didn’t allow himself to be happy again.
TICK TOCK, NOT-MISTER WICKS.
Tally your answers.
Judo-throw that guy sneaking up behind you into the nearest stained-glass window.
And prepare for…
You are good company and a better shot. You are …
THE FRIEND FROM WORK
You may appear sketchy, you may in fact be sketchy, but your heart is as gold as any assassin-approved coin. And to be honest, you are a little worried about John right now. Though not as worried as you are about everyone standing near him
You honor us with your services. You are…
THE AWARD-WINNING STAFF
Life’s a dirty game, but you still give it the white-glove service. When the gloves come off, though—they are systematically destroyed along with any other evidence of misdeeds or general unpleasantness.
Being good just isn’t your style. You are…
THE UNDERWORLD OVERLORD
You are a citizen of the world. Your world. You enjoy a fine scotch, long walks on the beach, and making sure any loose ends are tied up in the most violent way possible.
You are the light in the dark. You are…
THE TRAGICALLY LOST LOVE
Sweet, selfless, and devoted, you knew you would love John with all your heart until the day you died. Unfortunately, that was very, very recently.
Larissa Zageris and Kitty Curran are the creative team behind the hit viral Kickstarter project Taylor Swift: Girl Detective as well as countless other zines and comics. Larissa is a writer, educator, and photographer whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, among many other internet places. Kitty is an illustrator and comics artist who is Actually British and knows all about courtship rituals, the peerage, and upper-crust accents.