The Best Jobs in Horror
Horror is hard work, y'all. People underestimate just how exhausting it is. Not only do you have to battle masked serial killers, deadly space aliens, or haunted videotapes, but then you’re expected to clock in by nine if you want to keep your job at the local [insert movie trope here]. That hardly seems fair! Still, work is one of those inevitable things, regardless of whether or not you made it to the final cutscene. So at the end of the day, if you’ve just got to pay the bills, here are a couple of the best gigs in horror movies. Feel free to grab an application. Most of them are hiring…
Owner and Operator of a Lighthouse Radio Station, The Fog
Basically, this is the coolest job in horror. As the owner and operator of KAB, Antonio Bay, Stevie Wayne gets to spin music straight through the witching hour from her lighthouse-turned-radio station. It's the perfect job for an introvert: music, reading, and an ocean breeze. As if that wasn't good enough, you can see those pesky ghost pirates coming from a mile away. That's a far sight better than most.
Boardwalk Comic Book Shop Owner, The Lost Boys
So the owners of this fine establishment are questionable. As far as we’re aware, they are literally stoned all day while their children are out fighting legit vampire babes. That said, they’ve got the right idea on small business. A comic book shop on the boardwalk sounds like an amazing way to pass the day, gets some Z’s, and to bone up on some anti-neck biting material.
Antarctic Chef, U.S. Outpost 31: The Thing
Poor Nauls. We never do see what ends up happening to him at the end of The Thing. That said, he seemed to have a pretty sweet job leading up to his ambiguous demise. As the in-house cook for Antarctic Outpost 31, Nauls’ job responsibilities seemed to include: cooking food, roller skating, and listening to sweet music. Sign us up.
Hotel Caretaker: The Shining
Alright, hear us out on this one. Sure, it didn’t shake out great for Jack Torrance at the end of The Shining. But who’s saying that every Overlook caretaker would wind up a man-popsicle? Frankly, having an entire hotel to yourself sounds pretty cool to us. Imagine all the writing you could get done! But, you know, actual writing. More than just one sentence written over and over and over again…
Control Room Technician: Cabin in the Woods
It’s hard to justify what the technicians of The Organization did to the poor kids from Cabin in the Woods. Really, it’s just terrible. No denying it. End of subject.
[Looks over shoulder] That said…
Isn’t it also kind of the coolest job ever? Betting on killer movie tropes sounds like the most fun you could have gambling outside of Vegas. Does that make us bad people?
VHS Video Rental Store: Scream
Oh Blockbuster, how we miss you. Not that the video store in Scream was a legit Blockbuster, but it may as well have been. Who doesn’t remember meeting employees like Randy—self-proclaimed film buffs who wanted nothing more than to direct you to the greatest movie you’ve never heard of? Who doesn’t remember picking out the scariest film they could find and buying a box of Reese's Pieces to take home with them? Or the warm static glow of a VHS tape transmitting through an anything-but-flat screen TV?
R.I.P. Randy from Scream.
And R.I.P. Blockbuster Video.
Entomologist: Silence of the Lambs
We’re almost positive that you can't hire into an entomologist position off Craigslist. It likely takes a few years of studying. But if you’re willing to put in the time, you never know what young, up-and-coming detective might wander into your bug cave one night looking for help on a hot new case. You could be the only thing standing between a serial killer and their next victim. And that’s a pretty cool place to be standing if you ask us.
J. B. Kish grew up in the American Southwest and spent most of his childhood concocting strange stories with spooky monsters. Now, he lives in the Pacific Northwest and has begun publishing those childhood nightmares for others. He is the author of two novels, including the paranormal thriller A Wall for Teeth and Stingers, which takes place in both Arizona and Oregon. He has the same birthday as Captain Kathryn Janeway, which is a thing he takes very seriously. Probably too seriously.