St. Patrick Contemplates Driving Out The Snakes

Posted by Jadzia Axelrod

Legend has it that, in the latter half of the 5th Century, St. Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland. We can only imagine such a massive undertaking required the consultation of Patrick’s best friend first.


Patrick: I can't stand these snakes, Liam.


Liam: Ho, now, Patrick. You're just a little cranky because you've been fasting for a couple of weeks.


Patrick: 40 days, Liam. 40 days I've been fasting. And do you think these belly-walkers gave me any peace in that time? No, sir. I'm going to drive 'em off the island, I will.


Liam: You can't…you can't do that.


Patrick: Watch me.


Liam: Listen, Pat. Think of the effect is going to have on Ireland's ecosystem.


Patrick: Okay. Let's see. An ecosystem free of limbless lizards. Sounds perfect.


Liam: Pat. These are God’s creatures you’re talking about.


Patrick: Are they, Liam? Are they?


Liam: Surely, you don’t believe…


Patrick: I’m just questioning your hypothesis. Are you telling me, the same God who made man, who the made the noble wolfhound, who made the warbling goldcrest, who makes the sun RISE and SET, who made this glorious world in which we inhabit, that the God who made these things stuck a head onto a lizard’s tale, shrugged his shoulders and said ‘eh, good enough,’ and hobbled off to the pub?


Liam: I don’t like you implying that the Good Lord drank whilst in the midst of creation.


Patrick: That’s…that’s fair. I’m open to a better explanation.


Liam: Maybe He had an off day?


Patrick: Liam. Are you saying that the Lord Our God, who made the Heavens, the Earth, and all that lays in between…may have made a mistake? Is that what you’re saying, Liam?


Liam: No, but…


Patrick: God doesn’t make mistakes, Liam.


Liam: Don’t go acting all holier than me, Patrick. I’ve known you too long for that. You may be a Bishop, but you’re no saint.


Patrick: Not yet.


Liam: What’s that?


Patrick: Nothing. Just a feeling I have.


Liam: In any case even if I am saying God makes mistakes—which I am not—it makes more sense than saying he went to the pub! What, is there a pub in Heaven?


Patrick: God willing.


Liam: Seriously, Pat. Just accept snakes are part of the plan for Ireland.


Patrick: You…you might be on to something there, Liam.


Liam: I’m glad you’re finally talking sense.


Patrick: God put snakes here on Irish soil…


Liam: Yep.


Patrick: …so that I can drive them out!


Liam: No, Patrick, that’s not…


Patrick: No, no, you’ve convinced me, Liam. This is my calling. You are my divine inspiration.


Liam: What? No…


Patrick: Ever so modest. No, Liam. This is what I was here to do. That and use the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity.


Liam: That was pretty good.


Patrick: Thanks. I’m really proud of that one.

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.