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What would Dr. Seuss write about in these days of social media and omnipresent cellphone use? Here’s some selections from those Dr. Seuss books he never got a chance (or had a desire) to write.

 

Twooter Tweets Twice

On a cool afternoon, while enjoying some sweets, Twooter the hooter was composing a tweet. His

Twitter app open, he began to type, his thoughts and feelings and a small gripe. No stranger to tweeting, Twooter thought his message a shorty. But he found many more characters than one hundred and forty.

What to do? What to do? Twooter wished he knew! Would making words numbers do? Changing “for” to “4”, “to” “2?” It didn’t look right, but it wasn’t too wrong, but even like this his tweet was too long. Try as he might, his tweet was unshrinkable. But to not post it at all was simply unthinkable!

Twooter felt himself gripped coldly with dread. He might have to tweet this…as a thread!

A horrible thought, Twooter knew this to be true. But if he didn’t tweet twice, what else could he do?

 

 

Siri, What’s In Front Of Me?

I was walking the street

About to turn on a bend,

When I saw something

I could not comprehend.

What is this, I wondered

Its strangeness hit me in gut

I know! I’ll ask Siri

She always knows what’s what.

 

“Siri, what’s in front of me?”

I said to my upraised phone.

“I don’t understand the question,”

Siri said in her chipper tone.

 

“This thing on the road, what is it?

Was it made of nature or man?”

“Could you describe it?” asked Siri

“No, Siri, I don’t believe I can.”

 

An idea! “I’ll tell you what it isn’t.

Perhaps that will help you know.

It’s not a car, or a bike

Not a pile of leaves, or a pile of snow.

It’s not hard or soft, not furry or scaly

Not a stuffed sofa or a kitchen sink--”

“Let me stop you there,” said Siri.

“This is not near as helpful as you think.”

 

 

To Think, I Saw It On Facebook

When I should have been working

(Though I was due for a break)

I decided to check social media

(Which was my first mistake)

What could it hurt, I pondered, to have just a look

To see what folks are discussing on Facebook

A baby photo, perhaps

A comment on lunch

A line about last night’s concert

One of those, was my hunch

Oh, how wrong I was!

How horribly mistaken!

My feed was so full of rage

I was left quite shaken!

The world, they said, was ending

(Though the proof was lacking)

Our way of life is done!

Best to leave, get packing!

Our leaders are devils!

Those who oppose them are worse!

Your food is killing you!

Best prepare for the hearse!

And the screeds! Oh, the screeds!

So many cries to the void!

So many screams for attention!

So many childhoods destroyed!

I don’t know what to think.

I don’t know what to say.

I know I should stop reading,

But I can’t look away!

I thought it would calm me, but I’m really quite shook

To think that I saw all that on Facebook!


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Jared Axelrod's picture

Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.