Worst-Case Wednesday: How to Survive if There Are Children in Your Corn

Posted by Basia Padlo

Halloween will soon be upon us, which means preparations for how to deal with all things supernatural are well under way. Since the world isn’t made up of Sam and Dean Winchesters, we here at Quirk are happy to help in any way we can. Specifically, this means breaking out our copy of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Paranormal Edition.

There are many scenarios covered in the handbook, but Children of the Corn messed us up good, so here’s how to prevent your life from becoming a Stephen King story. And read on for a chance to win your own copy of the handbook for all of your paranormal-fighting needs!

Widen your rows so that the children are more visible as they wander among the corn.

Liberally hose the cornfield with holy water, which has a proven effectiveness against demon children.

Introduce natural predators.
Employ what agriculturalists call “biological controls,” i.e., a stronger, more powerful animal to control the infestation. Purchase a lion or other big cat to prowl through your cornfield and eat the corn children.

Fence the perimeter.
Enclose the perimeter of the cornfield with barbed-wire fencing, topped with crosses to repulse further infestation.

Reconvert the children.
Employing a priest or a team of deacons and a wading pool full of holy water, rebaptize the captured corn children and convert them from the pagan death cult they have joined.

Raze the fields.
Permanently rid your fields of children by burning the existing stalks and letting the field lie fallow for a season. When replanting, rotate the crop of corn with soybeans instead; resume planting corn the following season.

If children reappear when you next grow corn, immediately abandon your field, your home, and your town, leaving behind your half-drunk cups of coffee, open magazines, and tumbleweeds slowly spinning through the dusty streets.

Be Aware

  • Signs of children in your corn include a devastated crop, bent stalks, and the corpses of townsfolk trussed up and displayed as scarecrows with their eyes sewn shut.
  • Corn children have most likely been converted via demonic possession to the worship of a pagan antichrist named He Who Walks Between the Rows.
  • While your corn is infested with children, alert your passersby with large, highly visible signage stating that they must not stop or slow down when passing your fields, even if they run over a body.

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