Worst-Case Wednesday: How to Survive if there are Children in your Corn
Fall is here. That means cool weather, changing foliage, and enjoying harvest festivals, hayrides, and corn mazes.
Well, for some of us anyway.
Me? I don't do corn mazes. Have you ever seen Children of the Corn? No thanks. I'll hang out with that guy wearing flannel making apple cider, because there is always a guy doing that.
You go ahead, but before you do, learn how to survive if you find children in those cornfields, thanks to the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide: Paranormal by David Borgenicht and Ben H. Winters.
How to Survive if there are Children in your Corn
1. CULL: Widen your rows so that the children are more visible as they wander among the corn.
2. SPRAY: Liberally hose the cornfield with holy water, which has a proven effectiveness against demon children.
3. INTRODUCE NATURAL PREDATORS: Employ what agriculturalists call "biological controls," i.e., a stronger, more powerful animal to control the infestation. Purchase a lion or other big can to prowl through your cornfield and eat the corn children.
4. FENCE THE PERIMETER: Enclose the perimeter of the field with barbed-wire fencing, topped with crosses to repulse further infestation.
5. RECONVERT THE CHILDREN: Employing a priest or team of deacons and a wading pool full of holy water, rebaptize the captured corn children and convert them from the pagan death cult they have joined.
6. RAZE THE FIELDS: Permanently rid your fields of children by burning the existing stalks and letting the field lie fallow for a season. When replanting, rotate the crop of corn with soybeans instead'; resume planting corn the following season.
7. FLEE: If children reappear when you next grow corn, immediately abandon your field, your home, your town, leaving behind half-drunk cups of coffee, open magazines, and tumbleweeds slowly spinning through the dusty streets.
– Signs of children in your corn include a devastated crop, bent stalks, and the corpses of townsfolk trussed up and displayed as scarecrows with their eyes sewn shut.
– Corn children most likely have been converted via demonic posession to the worship of a pagan antichrist named He Who Walks Between the Rows.
– While your corn is infested with children, alert passerby with large, highly visible signage stating that they must not stop or slow down while passing your fields, even if they find a body.
ERIC SMITH is the cofounder of Geekadelphia, a popular blog covering all-that-is-geek in the City of Brotherly Love, as well as the Philadelphia Geek Awards, an annual awards show held at the Academy of Natural Sciences. He’s written for the Philadelphia Inquirer, Philadelphia Weekly, and Philly.com