What If The Queer Eye Guys Were Detectives?
Queer Eye on Netflix has become the must-watch sensation for people who like to see slobs getting made over or just want a good cry at the end of the day. The Fab Five are incredibly watchable, with Tan France showing folks how to dress, Bobby Berk redesigning their home, Jonathan Van Ness showing them how to love and care for their bodies, Karamo Brown healing their souls and Antoni Porowski doing…something with food? It’s hard not to imagine what other show formats these gay men might whip into shape. How might they be as detectives? Wonder no longer!
*The Fab Five in the SUV*
BOBBY: So what do we have this week?
JONATHON: I am so excited. TRIPLE homicide, honey. Police called it a murder-suicide, but I am so iffy, girl.
TAN: Details! I need details.
JONATHON: Husband, wife, kid. White, parents in early thirties, but they don’t look it. They run marathons. I could NEVER. Sweet little baby and mommy dead in the living room, hubby in the kitchen.
KARAMO: So the husband shot the wife and kid?
JONATHON: Don’t get ahead of me! The murder weapon for the child and the mother was a one of those…what are they called? Samurai sword thingies.
ANTONI: A katana.
KARAMO: A katana? What?
JONATHON: Right! A katana. Found in the husband’s left hand, blood analysis hasn’t come back yet, buuuuuuttt, not a stretch that’s the murder weapon for the first two. Hubby took a shot to the head—BLAMMMO. Gun found in right hand.
TAN: So he has a sword, but he kills himself with a gun.
BOBBY: What, you think he should have done ritual suicide on the linoleum?
ANTONI: It’s called seppuku. Traditionally done with tanto, not a katana.
TAN: It just seems unlikely.
ANTONI: It’s not hard, you just need carry on with the follow through after the initial thrust.
TAN: No, what I’m saying is, he has a gun. Why does he do the first two murders with a sword?
KARAMO: There’s a lot here that doesn’t add up.
JONATHON: We are going to turn this murder mystery into murder HISTORY!
*CUT TO: Crime scene*
BOBBY: I would not want to die in this kitchen.
ANTONI: There are worse places.
BOBBY: Than Formica countertops? In 2018?
ANTONI: There are dark, lonely places. Where men weep like babies, craving their mother’s embrace. But the only thing that holds them is the cold shroud of death, as the sins of their life drain away with their blood, until they are no more human than the unforgiving rocks they lay upon.
BOBBY: You know, we never talk about what you do when you’re not with us.
ANTONI: We don’t? Huh.
TAN: I don’t like his shoes.
KARAMO: We’re not here to make him over.
JONATHON: Oh my GAWD! What if we were? Can you even imagine? What a great show that would be! I’d watch us.
TAN: But look at his shoes, I’m telling you. I get up in the morning to murder my husband, I’m not wearing my old ratty running shoes. I’m going to wear something that gives me confidence.
KARAMO: How often do you think about killing your husband?
*CUT TO: Tan confessional*
TAN: I know Karamo’s joking, but this job changes you. It’s hard not to bring these things home. Do I think about killing my husband sometimes? Yes. But I have to. I have to get in the mind of the killer. That’s why we’re here.
*CUT TO: Children’s bedroom*
JONATHON: This is so cute and cozy! Except for the dead bodies. Look at this teddybear!
KARAMO: Put that down. This is a crime scene.
JONATHON: Don’t listen to him, Mr. Snuggums. You’re going to help us crack the case.
*CUT TO: Karamo confessional*
KARAMO: I don’t normally let our work get to me. But I have kids. And it’s hard, as a father, to be in a situation like this. What if this was my kids? I’ve seen so many little bodies as part of this job. It’s tough. It’s painful. But we have to take that pain, that angry and we have to use it. Let fuel us, instead of shutting us down.
*CUT TO: Children’s bedroom*
KARAMO: Gimmie that bear.
JONATHON: HE’S HELPING!
*Karamo grabs the bear, accidently ripping it two. A bunch of passports fall out of the bear’s stomach.*
JONATHON: What the whaaaaaaaa?
KARAMO: You were right, Jonathon. Mr. Snuggums is helping.
*CUT TO: Kitchen*
BOBBY: That’s not his gun. I absolutely do not buy it. I’ve been over every inch of this house. There’s the sword rack on the mantel, that’s where katana came from. But where did he keep the gun? Where did he keep the bullets?
TAN: Why is he in his running clothes?
BOBBY: I’m being serious.
TAN: So am I! This is clearly post-run. Who goes for run, kills their family and then commits suicide?
ANTONI: So this staged.
TAN: That’s not crazy, is it?
ANTONI: Not at all. Suicides are incredibly easy to stage.
BOBBY: Who are you?
JONATHON: Nevermind that, now! We’ve cracked the case! With the help of Mr. Snuggums, the cleverest bear in the world!
KARAMO: Turns out, the wife was a sleeper agent. Husband may not have even known. Look at these passports. She was ready to bolt at moment’s notice.
ANTONI: These are Russian-made. The forgery’s pretty good, but you can tell.
BOBBY: How do you know this?
JONATHON: So, Russian secret agent lady runs afoul with her handlers.
KARAMO: Maybe she wants out. She’s happy here. Who knows.
JONATHON: The big boys then send some murdery sneaky-pants to off Ruskie Jane Bond, during hubby’s run.
BOBBY: Using a weapon of convenience to implicate the husband.
TAN: But! The husband comes home early! Startles the murderer! Bang! Hubby goes down. Murderer set everything up to look like a murder-suicide.
BOBBY: That’s how it happened. We still don’t know who. How are we going to track a Russian assassin where the only clue is a gun that most assuredly contains no traceable elements?
ANTONI: I can do it. Give me 48 hours.
Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.