What if Action Heroes Took Part in Self-Care?

Have you ever noticed that action stars and superheroes have never stopped to practice self-care? Not one of our heroes ever has to go to the bathroom or grab a quick bite to stave off hunger. Let’s imagine for a moment if they acted like humans and took time out of fighting or killing someone to relieve and nourish themselves.

Who doesn’t have to pee for 24 hours? Jack Bauer, that’s who!

“Jack! We found the bomb! We have 10 seconds to detonate it!” But what if instead of “Roger that, I’m on it,” Jack responded with, “Great! It only takes me 5 seconds to pee. BRB!” This would really up the ante of "will he or won’t he" when diffusing the bomb.

Die Hard…in a minute

“Yippie Ki—damn, I’m hungry.” Then John McClane (Bruce Willis) drops his gun and pulls out a Nature Valley Oats ‘n Honey Granola Bar from his back pocket, while Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) waits on the line. Hans picks at his nails, runs his hands through his hair, wonders if it’s thinning. He maybe practices his evil look. When John finishes his bar, he picks up his gun again and screams into the phone, “Yippie Ki—“ and then begins to cough. He can’t finish his sentence because he is choking on dry oats and doesn’t have any water.  Hans would turn to the camera and say, “Well, that was easy. Not exciting. But easy.”

The Terminator…or it is The Eliminator?

Remember when Ah-nold says his classic “I’ll be back” line? Do you know where he went before he drove the car into the police station? To the loo. If they showed that, the movie would have to be re-titled “The Eliminator.” Who isn’t scared s**tless before driving a car into a police station?!

Beverly Hills Cops get hungry too

There is no way that after chasing bad guys and getting punched in the face that you’re not hungry. Movie goers get hungry just watching that action. Especially if it’s in Los Angeles where you know they had to pass at least two In-N-Out Burger joints along the way. Why they don’t just pop right in, guns drawn, cut the line and order a burger and fries, animal style with a chocolate shake is a mystery. Who doesn’t need a burger, fries and shake after getting chased?!

Iron Man should be renamed Iron Bladder

It’s a Marvel (wink) how Iron Man holds it in for an entire movie. Most patrons can’t do that after drinking a 24oz slurpee during the movie. Yet this superhero never lets on that he has any internal organs. Clearly, he must sweat in a suit made of iron, so he’s losing fluids. It’s a wonder he doesn’t dehydrate and just collapse mid-fight scene. He must be hydrating when he’s not fighting the bad guys. Maybe his super power is his iron bladder?

Audiences have been marveling at action and super heroes for all the wrong reasons. These super humans should be worshipped for their abilities to hold in the urges to pee and eat. Clearly, they have never driven with my family up the New Jersey Turnpike.