The (Celebrity) Hunger Games: Cast Your Votes!

Posted by Brett Cohen

At Quirk, we’re big fans of mashing up genres and putting an irreverent spin on pop-culture. We’re also big fans of The Hunger Games. So, to mark the movie’s release, we imagined what it would be like to have a celebrity version of The Hunger Games with some of our favorite TV children. Welcome to The Celebrity Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor…


The Arena has been prepared with a variety of dangers and pressures that face all teenagers. But, the Head Gamemaker has amplified these elements to a torturous degree. Here’s a sampling of what the Tributes can expect to encounter:

– A horde of teenage fembots sent to seduce and distract
– The captain of the football team armed with football grenades and handsome good looks
– A sudden onslaught of full-body acne so powerful that it leaves them incapacitated for hours
– A pregnancy scare
– Dangerous diet pills
– A throng of siblings out to steal their stuff
– An overbearing principal bent on destroying the Tributes’ freewill
– An avalanche of slushies that will threaten to drown them
– A very special episode where the characters experience the effects of drugs & alcohol
– And, near the end of the games, the Heads Gamemaker may introduce a younger sibling or cousin to stir things up—but, mostly to keep the at-home audience interested.


Caesar Flickerman had an opportunity to sit down with the Tributes and he has offered his analysis of each one.

Greg & Marcia Brady (The Brady Bunch)

Strengths: While not technically brother & sister, they have a connection that will be hard to break—and an investment in seeing the other return home safely. They’ve also displayed a strong ability to work together on-stage.

Weaknesses: It’s an immediate alliance, but they both can’t win. (Well, maybe they can???) Other known weaknesses include an ancient Hawaiian tiki and a football to the nose.

Webster Long (Webster)

Strengths: Clearly, it’s his size. He can hide anywhere, like in a dumbwaiter or in a staircase behind a grandfather clock. And, even if he’s found, he’ll be pretty hard to catch.

Weaknesses: He has an intense desire to make everyone happy. And, his adorable smile may be cute at first, but it can become terribly annoying after awhile.

Jo Polniaczek (The Facts of Life)

Strengths: She’s tough, physical and resourceful. She’s extremely independent. She could be the Katniss Everdeen of these games.

Weaknesses: Her rough exterior can intimidate the girls and alienate the boys—making her an immediate target.

Theo Huxtable (The Cosby Show)

Strengths: He’s cool, athletic, fun and extremely charming. Oh, and he can rap. (J-j-j-jam it on the one. Jam it on the one.) Women will want him. And, men will want to be him. That’s going to earn him some gifts from the audience.

Weaknesses: He has a hard time living in the real world—and often needs to be taught lessons about what it’s like to live there.

Samantha Micelli (Who’s the Boss?)

Strengths: Her Brooklyn roots give her the street smarts and toughness to excel in the arena. Her father’s genes give her the athleticism to match.

Weaknesses: Has her Connecticut upbringing softened her too much? She’s also known to swoon when a boyfriend writes a song about her.

Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)

Strengths: “Preppy” is a constant schemer who’s always working an angle. He’s extremely well-rounded. Heck, he was part of nearly every activity and sport’s team at Bayside High—including lead singer of his own band (Zack Attack). And, he’s also a ladies man.

Weaknesses: He’s also a ladies man. Send those teenage fembots in and it could be game over for him.

Brenda Walsh (Beverly Hills, 90210)

Strengths: This won’t be the first time Brenda has been transplanted from familiar territory into a harsh environment. If she can navigate and conquer the shark-infested waters of West Beverly Hills High School, she should be fine in the arena, right?

Weaknesses: Brenda has been known to succumb to a pregnancy scare. Other threats include love triangles and the driver’s license test.

Dan Humphrey (Gossip Girl)

Strengths: He has a unique survival instinct evidenced by his ability to navigate up the social ladder. And, he has incredibly thick skin when batting away verbal assaults.

Weaknesses: He’s been known to do the right thing–often to his own detriment. Other known weaknesses include tall blondes.

Carly Shay (iCarly)

Strengths: As the host of her own internet reality show, Carly will have no problem playing to the television audience—which may make her a fan favorite and garner special attention in the form of audience gifts.

Weaknesses: Can she really do anything without the help of Sam and Freddie?

Kurt Hummel (Glee)

Strengths: In the history of television, has anyone been persecuted more than Kurt Hummel? Yet every time, he overcomes it with grace, dignity and the occasional show tune. His confidence and personality will certainly make him a fan favorite.

Weaknesses: Underneath all of that confidence, he’s an anxious and scared teen—like everyone else. It will be interesting to see how he explores that emotion inside the arena.

Alex Dunphy (Modern Family)

Strengths: She may be the most intelligent Tribute in the games. She’s definitely a pro at creating traps and preying on other’s naivety.

Weaknesses: She may also be the most socially awkward. She could have a tough time making a connection with the audience—or even finding an ally in the arena.

They’ve entertained us for years. For their final act, they will battle to the death.

12 child stars. 1 winner.

Welcome to The Celebrity Hunger Games…


People of Panem, who would win The Celebrity Hunger Games? Post your selection and rationale in the comments section.


Brett Cohen

Brett Cohen

Brett likes his vodka on the rocks, his meat on the grill, and his Sundays on the couch watching football.  As VP, he likes Quirk’s projects to deliver on time, the P&Ls to be on budget, and sales to exceed expectations. He's the author of Stuff Every Man Should KnowStuff Every Dad Should Know and the co-author of Recipes Every Man Should Know.