Six Months to Walk it Off
So. The world is going to end in six months due to an asteroid hurling itself towards us. What to do, what to do.
Posted by David Goodman
Melancholia + Saying All of the Things You’ve Wanted to Say
It's a shame that last year's Melancholia will be better-remembered for director Lars von Trier's Nazism jokes (tastelessly expressed at, of all places, the Cannes Film Festival) than its brave, unconventional response to the apocalypse.
Although judging from these squirm-inducing GIFs of Kirsten Dunst, seated next to von Trier while he was making said un-PC comments, you'd think the world was ending too:
But Melancholia is the finest, most interesting apocalyptic film to date. The movie is divided into two acts: the first is Dunst's wedding reception, where she acts bewilderingly ungrateful and fatalistic; in the entirely different second act, a distant planet (Melancholia) is headed on a collision course with Earth.
Charlotte Gainsbourg plays Dunst's level-headed sister, and faced with the crippling mortality of everything, suddenly Dunst's aloof cynicism seems more rational than Gainsbourg's dissolving pragmatism. And if the world is ending, I can't think of a better time to embrace one's inner-jerk.
Whereas Hank, the detective in The Last Policeman, continues his investigations despite the fact that an asteroid is set to collide with Earth, I'd surrender all pretenses of being a friendly, productive human being. Because when I'm really honest with myself, I have no interest in being a nice person.
You see, at the end of the world, there's no legacy — no one to remember how rotten you were in your final days, no last judgment. There's just the pure satisfaction of saying all of the things you've wanted to say.
A few things I would say:
+ My friend Chad: "I've always been embarrassed to have a friend named Chad."
+ Steelers fans: "You are all the worst people on Earth. Also don't please hurt me."
+ President Obama: "I agree with all your policies, but even if I didn't, I'd probably still vote for you because you're so handsome."
+ All of my exes: "I'm still in love with you."
I would also punch anyone who was listening to R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World."
Truthfully though, I would probably never say any of these things, even if the world was ending. Instead, I'd probably just sit in my apartment and watch Melancholia a few more times. That movie is so good!
Kevin Nguyen is a writer / editor living from Seattle. Follow him on Twitter via @knguyen, and check out his website www.bygonebureau.com.
Posted by Kevin Nguyen
Becoming a Cult Hero
Oh God. The asteroid is hurtling towards earth. We're all going to die.
Posted by Alison Zeidman
Ten Things To Do At The End of the World
1. Carry a gun and shoot out the wheels of anyone who cut me off in traffic. Especially if they didn't use their blinker.
Posted by Matt Besser
A To Do List At The End of the World
Six months until the world blows up. Okay.
1. pole dancing classes.
2. break my four years of sobriety.
3. get my family to Israel.
In that order.
I have to assume my kids don't know about this world blowing up thing. They're three and one and love couch forts and tickle parties. This is how I want us to live our next six months, please.
I also have to assume nobody else knows about the world blowing up because if they do:
1a. pole dancing classes are going to fill up quickly
2b. Israel may blow up first.
I also really need to talk to that woman by the church on our corner and ask her why she sleeps there with her shoes next to her and also apologize for avoiding her a lot of the time. I have to find my ex-best friend Ella and say, really, I hope you know I love you.
4. iced coffee.
5. sushi, nachos, karaoke. repeat.
6. a new wig for every day.
7. swim in that velvety lake by my uncle's cabin.
8. spend a day with a piano.
9. ask my therapist if i can see her two times a week.
10. yoga, prayer, meditation – every day.
11. weep, dance, laugh. repeat.
And most importantly, when that rumble comes, and it will, turn on the stereo, grab my husband, my kids, the neighbors, the trees and shout, "let's do this!!!"
Abby Sher is a writer, performer, and yogi living in Brooklyn.
Posted by Abby Sher
A Vigilante for Politeness
If there was really just half a year before the whole planet went kablooie, what would you do?
I am a coward. In my day to day life, I see so much rude behavior in the public sphere, but I don't have the guts to say something. People do all sorts of little things that make someone else's day just a little bit worse.
Posted by Laura Gutin