Sonic the Hedgehog Speed Dating
Sonic the Hedgehog is certainly the fastest hedgehog in popular culture, but could it be that he is also…the loneliest? Sure, Amy Rose is there is waiting for him to realize her charms, and there’s the bro support of Tails and Knuckles, but what if Sonic wants something more? What if Sonic tried the only dating method quick enough for him? How might Sonic speed-date of some of literatures most famous hedgehogs?
Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, from Beatrix Potter’s The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle
SONIC: Hi! I’m Sonic! What do you do?
TIGGY-WINKLE: Oh, I’m just a humble laundress. Though I’ll happily give your clothing a good washing, if you like. I’m an excellent clear-starcher, if I may be allowed a moment of pride.
SONIC: Oh, no thanks! I only wear running shoes!
TIGGY-WINKLE: Well. I apologize for having taken up your time. I’ll see myself to the next table.
SONIC: Was it something I said?
TIGGY-WINKLE: I don’t brook with nudists.
Stickly-Prickly, from Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories
SONIC: Hi! It’s not a dealbreaker if I don’t wear clothes, is it?
STICKY-PRICKLY: Why would that bother me?
SONIC: Nevermind. Can I be honest you?
SONIC: You don’t look much like a hedgehog.
STICKLY-PRICKLY: Oh, yes. That is because I learned how to swim, and in the process became an armadillo.
SONIC: Uh-huh. I’m sure that happens all the time.
STICKLY-PRICKLY: Same thing happened to a turtle friend of mine.
SONIC: Of course.
STICKLY-PRICKLY: You’re one to talk! How’d you get all blue?
SONIC: Oh, that just happened one day when I exceeded the sound barrier in a mad scientist’s lab and resulting explosion–oh, I see what you’re saying.
STICKLY-PRICKLY: Later, weirdo.
Yona, from Richard Adam's Watership Down
SONIC: Hi, I’m….oh.
YONA: Hello! I’m Yona.
SONIC: You’re covered in roses.
YONA: That’s true! After this I’m going to sing to the moon.
SONIC: You are, huh?
YONA: Yep! In order to get slugs.
Hans, from the Brothers Grimm's Hans My Hedgehog
SONIC: Please, this evening has been a nightmare. Just tell me whatever your deal is.
HANS: I’m not sure, I have a “deal” as such. I come from a wealthy merchant family…I like to play the bagpipes…
SONIC: You might be the most normal hedgehog here!
HANS: Oh! I also ride a giant rooster as if it was a horse.
SONIC: There it is.
Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.