Quirk E. Cat Advice Column #3
Editor’s Note: In an effort to keep Quirk E. Cat from napping at his desk, we have assigned him to Advice Column duty. We apologize in advance.
Dear Quirk E. Cat,
I’m writing today because I’m hoping you can help me with a winter conundrum. With the cold weather approaching, I’m daydreaming about my favorite December activity: soaking in a warm tub with a great book. But this luxury comes at a cost. During my relaxing bath I without fail drop my book in the tub, fishing out a dripping wet tome – pages separated by bubbles. Not only is this embarrassing, but it also keeps me from reading. Have you ever tried to blow dry 300 pages? It takes forever and the book ends up far from good as new. What do I do, Mr. Cat? How can I enjoy the comfort of literature paired with a warm bath without actually pairing my book with the bathwater?
First of all, I’m very concerned about your frequent baths. Don’t you hate the way the water sticks to your fur? The screech you involuntarily let our when your paw hits the water? The way you smell immediately after – that eerie clean scent?
Relax, boss. I’m just seeing if you’re paying attention. You see my editor seems to think that I’ve forgotten I’m writing for an all-human readership. Well, never mind.
Your favorite way to relax in the winter couldn’t be curling up with a book by the fire or snuggling on a pile of towels just out of the drier, pages from a manuscript strewn all over the living room. Instead you’re facing the worst enemy of books and cats everywhere: water. Forgive me if I’m not immediately sympathetic. Reading in the bath sounds like something a dog would do.
What’s that? Hm. It seems like acknowledging that you’re a human isn’t enough for my editor. She wants me to be – ugh – “genuinely sympathetic.” Something vague about my job being on the line. Blah blah blah. Okay, I get it. Let me try again.
Your problem has a simple solution, Rub-A-Dub Reader – a solution that allows you to bathe and read without worry. There’s a bathtub accessory on the market that’s sure to put your mind at ease. And no, it’s not a wacky SkyMall product. In fact, quite the opposite. It’s an elegant thing of beauty that shows up on perfectly branded Instagram profiles and beautifully curated Pintrest boards. The bath caddy. A gloriously simple piece of wood that will keep your book above water. It’s the purrrrrrrfect solution to a soggy situation. Hell, you could even add a glass of wine to your relaxation routine. The possibilities are endless!
However you decide to relax this winter, please write back to let me know what you’re reading. I’m always looking for something to furrrrrrriously tear through while I’m warming my belly on a warm pile of laundry.
Quirk E. Cat
Quirk E. Cat
Quirk E. Cat is Quirk Books’ resident advice columnist. In his spare time, Mr. Cat enjoys scratching at sofas, batting at yarn balls, and generally ignoring humans. Except for Danielle Mohlman. He currently resides in the Quirk E. Newsletter, which you can subscribe to here.