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They say best friends are never more than a phone call away. But It’s 2018, so we should probably revise that to “never more than a FaceTime, Snapchat, or VR sesh away.” Even then, these fancy new methods of keeping in touch really only apply if you exist in the same dimension as your bestie, which to be frank, might not always be the case. Before passing away, Stephen Hawking co-published a final paper on the possibility of a multiverse, prompting us to wonder, can we really even say who our true best friends are? For all we know, they might not even exist in the same time or space. We tested the theory, and sure enough, in the case of these pop culture and literary icons, their perfect matches weren’t even found in the same story, let alone universe.

 

Essun & Eleven
The Fifth Season, Stranger Things

There are a lot of similarities between Essun and Eleven that make them the perfect BFF4L. Both women are motivated, protective, and when necessary, devastatingly dangerous. With Essun’s ability to control the energy of the earth, and Eleven’s psychokinesis, little would stand in their way. But what really brings these two characters together most is their love for family (or, in the case of Eleven, the only three boys in town that aren’t trying to kidnap her. So, basically family.) In fact, these two love family so much, they may as well live in the Fast and Furious franchise.

 

Han Lue & Moses
Fast and the Furious, Attack the Block

Speaking of the Fast and Furious franchise, there’s one character in those films that's practically begging for a best friend: the tragic and impossibly cool Han Lue. When he’s not busy eating literally anything in front of him, Han is often found in the background, brooding and saying things that are just so damn cool we can’t even stand it. When matching him with a new bestie, we had to search pretty far and wide for the perfect fit. And that’s when we came upon the one and only Moses from Attack the Block. While Moses might forever live in the colossus shadow of another John Boyega character, that doesn’t make him any less perfect. Quiet, brave, conflicted — Moses is the kind of character that chooses his friends carefully. Like Han, both men are willing to do what it takes to protect their own, even if it means breaking a few (thousand) rules. #family

 

Ren & Marty Mcfly
Footloose, Back to the Future

You know what's awesome? Dancing. You know what you need for dancing? Someone who can absolutely shred a guitar solo (not really). But still, how could these two music lovers not get along? Here we’ve got Ren, a kid so obsessed with dancing, he can’t seem to focus on anything else. And then we’ve got Marty McFly. By the end of Back to the Future, Marty’s almost completely vanished from existence, he’s been awkwardly hit on by his own mother, and he’s fractured the time continuum, like, a gazillion times. Marty should be doing anything he can to escape the year 1955. But no. After all the crazy stuff that’s happened, Marty's just got to stick around and play "something that really cooks” at the prom dance where he was probably conceived. That’s the kind of dedication that Ren could get behind. LET’S DANCE!

 

Mr. Mertle & Zero
The Sandlot, Holes

Few characters in pop culture are as misunderstood as old man Mertle from The Sandlot. In a single line, he taught an entire generation the dangers (and irony) of stereotyping: “Why didn’t yah just knock on the door? I’d have gotten it for yah.” Turns out, Mr. Mertle wasn’t the scary old kook the gang all thought he was. In fact, he was the deus ex machina of sports memorabilia, which is why it makes sense that he’d befriend Zero from Louis Sachar's Holes. Similarly misunderstood, everyone assumes Zero was a quiet, unintelligent boy that wasn’t worth their time. When he was arrested for stealing baseball player Clyde Livingston’s shoes, he was sent to Camp Green Lake. But if he’d been best friends with Mr. Mertle, he likely would have been saved from the whole situation from the start. Mr. Mertle’s home is so full of sports memorabilia, he probably had six or seven pairs of Sweet Feet’s shoes buried beneath Derek Jeter’s socks or something. Based on how flippantly he gave away a baseball signed by the entire 1927 Yankees team, he surely would have sprung Zero from Camp Green Lake for a measly pair of sneakers.

 

Teenaged Groot & Audrey II
Guardians of the Galaxy, Little Shop of Horrors

We’re not saying this is the best pair on the list. In fact, it might be the worst. Like most of us at that age, teenage Groot is nothing if not impressionable. While the Guardians of the Galaxy are constantly at odds, it would only make sense that an angsty and rebellious Groot might look elsewhere for companionship. And that’s where the conniving and sinister Audrey II would step in, sensing Groot’s naiveté. It wouldn’t be long before Audrey II had its tentacles wrapped around poor Groot, peer pressuring him into doing unspeakable acts. Of course, this would likely prompt the guardians to rally together to save their friend. Wow...that actually sounds like a great premise for GOTG 3.

 

Tony Stark & Poe
Iron Man, Altered Carbon

Listen, this is nothing against JARVIS. As far as artificial intelligence goes, it’s top of the line. It’s incredibly fast, intuitive, and anticipates most of Stark’s needs (desperate as they may be). But don’t you get the feeling it’s kind of holding Tony back at times? It’s not always the most emotionally supportive, and it’s kind of a stick in the mud too. In fact, to be completely honest, JARVIS is a total Debbie Downer. What Tony really needs in an artificial intelligent best friend is Poe from Altered Carbon. Like Tony, Poe is one hundred percent down to party. From the moment we meet him, Poe is locked, loaded, and ready to do anything necessary to meet the needs of his hotel guests. Late night drinks? Poe has you covered. Needs of the flesh? Sure, if that’s your thing, Poe can make a call. Oh, you say there are a dozen armed men here to kidnap you? Poe has just the thing for that! (It’s giant machine guns that drop down from the ceiling and it’s awesome.) Now, isn’t that a relationship we all deserve to see on the big screen?


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J. B. Kish's picture

J. B. Kish

J. B. Kish grew up in the American Southwest and spent most of his childhood concocting strange stories with spooky monsters. Now, he lives in the Pacific Northwest and has begun publishing those childhood nightmares for others. He is the author of two novels, including the paranormal thriller A Wall for Teeth and Stingers, which takes place in both Arizona and Oregon. He has the same birthday as Captain Kathryn Janeway, which is a thing he takes very seriously. Probably too seriously.