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Season 15 of The Bachelorette has started and the drama is already ramping up. (Chill, dudes!) We’re still dissecting the entrances and opening weird flexes of all of Hannah B’s suitors. But what if – just to shake things up – Chris Harrison introduced a new group of men for next week? We were thinking…some literary dudes might fit the bill? Here’s our dream line up of literary bachelors – and exactly how we envision those first moments at the mansion playing out.

 

Fitzwilliam Darcy – Derbyshire, UK

When The Bachelorette producers were prepping Fitzwilliam Darcy of Derbyshire for the limo, he turned up his nose. “She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me,” Darcy said, before turning on his heel and walking off set. One of the producers ran after him, persuading him to stay and promising him he could make his entrance his own way. After securing a horse for his grand entrance, Darcy began musing on the premise of the show. “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment.” Well yeah, Fitzwilliam D. What show did you think you were on? We don’t see him going very far.

 

Edward Rochester – Thornfield Hall, UK

As Edward Rochester of Thornfield Hall was getting camera ready, the makeup artist couldn’t help remark on his broad and jetty eyebrows. Never one to let a good opportunity pass her by, one of The Bachelorette producers suggested Rochester come out of the limo in a costume. “Not that cravat and tails,” the producer clarified. “Something that covers those caterpillars sitting above your eyes.” And then she handed him a dog costume, complete with character head. And Rochester’s response? A shrug and a request for help zipping up the back. He’s already hiding a wife in his attic. Making a fuss will only raise suspicions.

 

Gilbert Blythe – Prince Edward Island, CA

When Gilbert Blythe of Prince Edward Island arrives on set, the first thing he asks is if Hannah B. has red hair. He doesn’t want to get in hot water for calling her “Carrots,” like the last woman he dated. But it doesn’t even matter what Hannah B. is like. Blythe is already rehearsing some lines to guarantee he stays on the show longer. As the limo pulled up to the mansion, his fellow suitors heard him muttering under his breath. “You know, every day I would pick a different memory of you and play it over and over and over again in my mind, until every hair, every freckle, every part of you was exactly as I remembered.” Slow your roll, Gilbert B.

 

Theodore “Laurie” Laurence – Concord, MA

As the lone American in the bunch, Theodore Laurence of Concord, Massachusetts, is sure he has the upper hand. He has a really sad story about his childhood sweetheart Jo not being his childhood sweetheart at all – and he’s still kind of mad that Colton played out the virgin storyline. (That was his special thing!) “It’s all right, never mind,” Laurence said before emerging from the limo. But when he locked eyes with Hannah B., all thoughts of games and schemes went out the window. He was transfixed. “We’re an ambitious set, aren’t we?” he asked, Hannah’s hands in his own. “I do wonder if any of us will ever get our wishes.” And then, as though a total gentleman had taken over his body, he gave her hands a final squeeze and, civilly, entered the mansion.

 

Charles Bingley – Derbyshire, UK

The producers on The Bachelorette are always trying to subtly cast two suitors who know each other and this season is no different. When Charles Bingley of Derbyshire arrived on set, he was kept far away from his best friend Fitzwilliam. Even though the two have an amazing rapport, there’s sure to be a little drama there. That’s the producers’ reasoning, at least. We’re not so sure. “I have never met with so many pleasant girls in my life,” Bingley said, as makeup artists and producers flocked around him. But no matter the circumstances, he’s a young man of large fortune. And that’s enough to excite any Bachelorette contestant.


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Danielle Mohlman

Danielle Mohlman is a playwright, bookworm, and library connoisseur. You can find her on Twitter and Tumblr. (She has a lot to say.) And on Instagram. (She never foodstagrams.) When she grows up, she wants to be Leslie Knope.