Don't worry guys, we won't charge you five cents for these book recommendations.
Football for Dummies by Howie Long and John Czarnecki
Look, we cannot bear to watch you miss a football again. It physically pains us to see you perpetually punked by Lucy. Please read this book. Multiple times. For all our sakes.
Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
We all know you love your sweet baboo, but you are going about it the wrong way, girl. This book will go over the sociology of modern romantic relationships in a way that will make you laugh. Spoiler: he does not recommend developing cartoon hearts around your head every time you see the person.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Look, your current tactics are not working; yelling at people will get you nowhere. Dale Carnegie can help. After reading his book, we are sure you will be closer to your dreams of power and influence. One point of his you should particularly note: do not criticize people. It will be a struggle, but we know you can do it.
The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
As a child with a theological bent, we think you will appreciate the Christian allegory in the series. Also, there are magic and powerful objects in the books. This might inspire you to tell the haters of your blue blanket (Lucy, we are looking at you) that it is endowed with magical properties.
Just Kids by Patti Smith
We know punk rock is outside of your classical music comfort zone, but trust us on this one. While the book does chronicle her music career and her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe, the real strength of the piece is her lovely prose, which is prettier than a piano sonata. It will be refreshing to take a break from watching Amadeus on repeat.
How to Be a Gentleman by John Bridges
While we know you are polite and have a heart of gold, your grooming and hygiene could use a little work. Your name says it all, right? This book will detail the appropriate attire for a gentleman and might give you some ideas on how to tidy your life. You do want the girl with “the naturally curly hair” to take you seriously? Ditch the dust.
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Oh Snoopy, we understand your frustrations as the literary ace, so we recommend this book as our go to guide on writing when we are stuck. She talks about writing in a hilarious yet wise way that should help you break out of your "it was a dark and stormy night" rut. As a friend to Woodstock, you will also appreciate that, yes, she mentions birds in the book.
Sadly, we don't think we can help you! We don't understand bird, so everything you say is gibberish to us. Maybe a picture book will be enjoyable? Those transcend language and might be quiet relaxing to read in the birdbath.