My Least Anticipated Reads of 2015
Wow, this book is…what's the opposite of riveting? Poorly-welded? (image via)
It’s a new year, which means readers everywhere are rejoicing: parties in the streets, ticker tape parades, bacchanals of bookishness about the fantastic new novels and nonfiction we finally get to get our sticky mitts on and read, read, read.
Which, great. Make all the lists you want. But you know what I’m really NOT looking forward to? All the stuff I’ll have to read, or read in desperation, or read in order to fulfill the prerogative of a needlessly complicated blackmail scheme. Here, therefore, are my LEAST anticipated reads of 2015.
The Rumpled Copy of Women’s Home Housekeeping Digest for Ladies in my dentist’s waiting room
Look, I have nothing against gender-normative magazines or keeping a spic-and-span domicile. It’s just that I’ve read this particular issue a billion times, and it’s always while waiting for something terrible—like a root canal—to happen, so I’m not in the cheeriest mindset. I just don’t know if I can face down that “Ten New Uses for Twist Ties” articles this year.
The TurboTax User Manual
I hate paying taxes, and I hate that I can never remember how to pay my taxes. The only thing worse than losing your hard-earned ducats to the government’s coffers is paying for the privilege of doing so…and rereading the instructions for the zillionth time.
The fine print on my cell phone contract
Blah blah blah, data charges, roaming minutes—hey, wait a second! At what point did I agree to an annual fee of “an arm and a leg”?
Everyone’s Christmas letters
December! ‘Tis the season for charming missives from loved ones far and wide…AKA self-righteous bragfests about how well little Bobby and Susan are doing in Toddler Yoga. Wait a second…I don’t actually know anyone with children named Bobby and Susan. Who are these people and how did they get into my mailbox?
This ransom note for the safe return of my family’s standard poodle
Total downer. Can’t not wait to read this.
The rejection for my annual application to join the American Dental Association.
“Dear Ms. Thornburgh,
We regret to inform you—once again—that we cannot accept your petition to become an ADA member. As we have stated previously, you do not hold a DMD or DDS. Furthermore, ADA membership involves more than, as you so eloquently put it, ‘chewin’ up all those sweet sweet free gum samples.’”
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Everyone tells me this one’s a classic—with a GREAT ending—but boy is it ever a long haul. I got railroaded into reading this by a few Russian lit fans, and while I like the concept of sexy Russian adulterous affairs, I’m not just all aboard with the execution. The love story seems over-engineered, with too many long pauses where the author goes full-steam on the harvesting habits of Russian peasantry. Honestly? This one’s kind of a train wreck.
This email I just received from Eric
Oh, look at that! Let me just copy and paste the entirety of the message into this blog post without reading myself first.
Re: Blog posts
I said MOST anticipated reads! MOST! Weren’t you going to read Anna Karenina or something?
P.S. Quit signing your blog posts with “4 out of 5 dentists recommend this post.” You’re not an ADA member and never will be!!!
Whatever, hater! [deletes]
That's it for me, folks! What about you? What stuff CAN you wait to read in 2015?
~This blog post has been approved by a provisional member of the ADA. Free gum samples may be sent care of Quirk Books, attn: Blair~
BLAIR THORNBURGH is a graduate of the University of Chicago, where she earned a B.A. in medieval studies and delivered a pretty good commencement speech. She lives in Philadelphia.