Literary Family Feud

Posted by Jadzia Axelrod

Family Feud has played host to a cavalcade of colorful characters. But what would the show look like if was able to have fictional characters on its stage? We find out when we pit Charles Addams' Addams Family up against Jane Austen's Dashwood clan from Sense & Sensibility!


GOMEZ – From Cemetary Ridge, it’s the Addams Family. From Devonshire, it’s the Dashwoods! It’s time to play family Feud! Gomez, John come on up here! Question is, “Things people are always thinking about, but never speak of.” Top 6 answers on the board. Gomez, you won the coin toss, your guess?


GOMEZ – I’m willing to bet my father’s left eye—which I have here in my pocket—it’s “hobbies.”


HOST – You a hobbiest, Gomez?


GOMEZ – Oh, yes. I’ve got quite the model train set up in the dungeon, and I have the most enviable collection of coroner reports in the neighborhood.


HOST – Let’s see if the board agrees with you. Survey says…


BOARD – Ding!



HOST — #5! Hobbies! John, how about you?


JOHN – Er…well, I know what Fanny, my wife would say. “Money.”


HOST – Can I see…money?


BOARD – Ding!



HOST – #2! The Dashwoods have the board! Let’s go over and meet them. So, John, this is your stepmother and half-sisters, is that correct?


JOHN – Indeed so.


HOST – I was about to say, you look far to young to be John’s mother, Mrs. Dashwood.


MRS. DASHWOOD – Oh, you are really too kind.


HOST – I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got “Mrs. Dashwood” on your nametag.


MRS. DASHWOOD – I prefer not to have my first name written down.


HOST – Fair enough. You want to say it out loud, though?


MRS. DASHWOOD – I’d rather not.


HOST – No problem, no problem. Mrs. Dashwood it is. I like that. Keep it formal. Things people are always thinking about, but never speak of?


MRS. DASHWOOD – Lost loves.


HOST – Lost loves. Good answer, good answer. Lost loves?


BOARD – Buzz!



HOST – Aw, too bad. Good answer, though. Elinor, how you doing?


ELINOR – Fair and healthy, thank you.


HOST – You got a man in your life?


ELINOR – I…I would rather not say.


HOST – So you, do then.


MARIANNE – Oh, she does.


ELINOR – Marianne! I am…not at liberty to speak of him.


HOST – It’s all right, it’s all right. We don’t have to name names here. Your mother has set a precedent. You love this man?


ELINOR – I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him, that I… greatly esteem him… I like him.


HOST – That is…remarkably restrained. Things people are always thinking about, but never speak of?


ELINOR – I have found that while most people would like us to believe they are thinking of weighty matters of the heart or affairs of state, the truth is they are more concerned with what is going to be served at lunch.


HOST – Can I see “Lunch?”


BOARD – Ding!



HOST – #3! Marianne, let’s go. Things people are always thinking about, but never speak of?


MARIANNE – I have been giving this a great deal of thought. I believe we often are trapped into incessantly thinking about the ways others have wronged us.


HOST – So, grudges, then?




HOST – Grudges. Survey says…?


BOARD – Buzz!



HOST – Aw, too bad. I liked that one. Margaret. It’s on you, doll. What’s something people are always thinking about, but never speak of?


MARGARET – Being in another place. Like Patagonia.


HOST – I like your style. Can I see ‘Travel’ up on the board?


BOARD – Buzz!



HOST – That means the Addams can steal it from here. Gomez, you got an answer?  


GOMEZ – I believe I’ll let Wednesday take this one.


HOST – All right. Wednesday, things people are always thinking about, but never speak of?


WEDNESDAY – Homicide.


HOST – Can I see…you serious? Okay…can I see…Homicide?


BOARD – Ding!

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.