I Come Not To Murder Caesar But To Schedule It

Posted by Jadzia Axelrod

Every schoolchild knows that Julius Caesar murdered on the Ides of March (that’s March 15th, for the less classically inclined). But how did the homicidal conspirators come to such a date for their bloody intentions? Surely the scheduling must have been difficult. In fact, it may have gone something like this…


CASSIUS: Brutus.

BRUTUS: Cassius.

CASSIUS: Want a date cookie? My new girl made them.

BRUTUS: Don’t mind if I do, thanks.

CASSIUS: Eat two, Brutus.

BRUTUS: What? Why would you say that?

CASSIUS: ‘Cause you’re just going to ask for another. I’ve seen how you snack.

BRUTUS: I don’t…you don’t…so! When we gonna do this thing?

CASSIUS: “This thing?”

BRUTUS: You know, take care of the big guy.

CASSIUS: “The big guy?” You sound like an actor.

BRUTUS: You know what I’m talking about.

CASSIUS: Should I get you a mask? Sounds like I should get you a mask. (looks around) Are we in a theatre? Did I step on stage and not know about it?

BRUTUS: Knock it off. I feel weird enough about this as it is.

CASSIUS: ‘Cause if I’m on stage, I should wearing a better costume.

BRUTUS: Enough, all right. This is hard to just talk about.

CASSIUS: What about this. We’re planning to kill a corrupted head of state. You’re not confessing to your wife about your mistress.

BRUTUS: Hey, now, lay off…

CASSIUS: Figure of speech. I’m sure all the women in your life get along just fine. Now. Taking care of the big guy.

BRUTUS: Stop it.

CASSIUS: I’m just using your words. I’m trying to make you comfortable. So. End of February? That good for you?

BRUTUS: So soon?

CASSIUS: Strike while Emperor is hot.

BRUTUS: I dunno. I’m gonna need a good alibi, and I don’t think I get one in that short of time.

CASSIUS: An alibi? Who’s gonna question you? Caesar?

BRUTUS: My wife.


BRUTUS: Early March, then.

CASSIUS: Can’t. I have a wedding.

BRUTUS: For ALL of early March?

CASSIUS: It’s in Constantinople.

BRUTS: Still, though.

CASSIUS: Preaching to the oracle, bub. They’re Bacchans.


CASSIUS: You ever been to a Bacchan wedding?


CASSIUS: If you had you wouldn’t ask that.

BRUTUS: So, they like the wine?

CASSIUS: Yes. Much in the same fish like the sea.

BRUTUS: Okay, okay. When you get back?

CASSIUS: The 13th.

BRUTUS: So we do it then.

CASSIUS: When I’m fresh off the boat?

BRUTUS: Why not?

CASSIUS: Sea legs, for one. You want me to prepare to stab Julius Ceasar, the Lion of Rome, Dictator Perpeteus, God upon the Earth while I still have knees that somehow don’t understand why the ground isn’t moving. Do you want me to kill him by falling on him?

BRUTUS: Would that work?


BRUTUS: 14th?

CASSIUS: You expect me to be recovered in a day.

BRUTUS: It’s just a wedding.

CASSIUS: A Bacchan wedding. In Constantinople. You ever come back from a Bacchan wedding in Constantinople?


CASSIUS: When you do, we’ll see how long it takes you to recover. (grumbles) I can do the 15th.

BRUTUS: The Ides of March.

CASSIUS: What? What’s the problem with that?

BRUTUS: Nothing. It’s kind of poetic. Ominous.

CASSIUS: Here, I think I have a mask in my toga, let me get it out.

BRUTUS: Stop it.

CASSIUS: Hey, if you’re going to monologue, you should at least look the part.

BRUTUS: You’re the worst….hey, could I have another one of those date cookies?

CASSIUS: Told ya.

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.