10 Rules To Surviving a Goosebumps Tale

Posted by Marsha Auguste

It's been 20 years since the premiere of the Goosebumps TV series, and we'd like to take a moment to apprecaite R.L. Stine for all he's done to ensure our safety. Whether he’s warning us about those nefarious lawn gnomes or making sure we keep an eye out for Frosty’s evil twin each winter, he always has our backs.

If you’re the kind of person who willingly ventures in to haunted houses (or worse yet, ventures into haunted houses and makes off with something), your life choices need some guidance.  Look no further!  Following these simple rules will ensure that you don’t end up living a real-life Goosebumps tale.

1. That creepy, abandoned place sure looks like an ideal place to go exploring, right? Squash that curious nature, puny human child. 

2. If you fail to follow rule #1, at the very least DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING WITH YOU, especially a seemingly-innocent-but-strange-looking camera

3. Pay attention to animals.  Dogs, bees, fish, whatever — if they’re acting weird, run. Related, don’t try DIY rabbit-related magic tricks.  

4.  Remember the three most important rules of homeownership – location, location, location. Have you Google Mapped Fear Street?

5. Don’t go (or send your kids) to summer camp. Even if the name sounds deliciously innocuous like Camp Jellyjam, you should know better.

6. No Theme Parks. Horrorland? Really? we bet you would go to Jurassic Park, too.

7. Aquatic activities are completely out of the question. You may discover mermaids, but also a zombie pirate ship.

8. Avoid anyone promising to grant you wishes. And if you inadvertently get a wish granted, you better have control of every possible loophole, and have five contingency plans for when it inevitably goes wrong, anyway.

9. Salesman really doesn’t want to sell you that scary mask? Don't buy mask.

10. No dolls, dummies, statues, or figures. Period. They will come to life and try to kill you and your pet. Or take over the world. Either way, no one wants that.

These are just the basics.  If you want to be extra prepared, there are plenty more to choose from.  For instance, no reading odd texts in Latin aloud and avoid black ’67 Chevy Impalas – you know, standard rules of survival.  With Halloween approaching, it’s probably a smart idea to keep these rules in mind, lest you find yourself face-to-face with a sentient Jack O’ Lantern.