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In honor of Star Wars Day, we're taking a closer look at the HR department's responses to Darth Vader force-choking officers. Seriously, he has to cut it out.

 

Mrs. Ozzel,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you following the death of your husband, Admiral Kendal Ozzel. The battle on Hoth claimed many good officers and soldiers, and I offer my condolences that your husband joined their company. As to your question as to why “asphyxiation” was listed as the cause of death, and to whether foul play was involved, I can assure you that nothing of the sort was case. Rebel saboteurs ruptured the hull at the location of the Star Destroyer Executor's bridge, causing an air-lock failure. Despite what you may have heard whispered about the Emperor’s Right Hand, I can assure you, Darth Vader is not some dark magician killing people with a wave of his hand simply because they displease him. He is a soldier for the Empire, as was your husband, and I know he feels the loss of Admiral Ozzel just as strongly as you and I.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources

 

 

Mr. Needa,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you following the death of your son, Captain Lorth Needa. The Star Destroyer Avenger had never had a sterner hand at the helm, and I offer my condolences that he shall not steer her any longer. Your son was dedicated to his ship, and I hope it is a small comfort that his last moments were on the bridge of the vessel he so loved. It is a shame we did not know of his greegreeg allergy sooner, but it is such a rare nut it is no surprise that Captain Needa himself did not know. We are no longer serving it in Empire canteens. Darth Vader, who was the last officer to see your son before his allergic reaction closed his windpipe, has nothing but positive things to say. Your son shall be missed.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources

 

 

Mr. Steggin,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you following the death of your husband, Vice Admiral Hutger Steggin. Much beloved by his crew, Steggin was an admirable commander and I offer my condolences to add to the legion you must have already received from those under his command. The loose wiring that got wrapped around Vice Admiral Steggin’s neck should never had been there, and I can only think that Darth Vader’s inspection of the Devestator had come but a few hours earlier, Hutger would still be with us today. Is a small consolation, but please know that regulations are in place so that this freak cabling accident will never happen again.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources

 

 

Ms. Anrchorod,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you following the death of your sister, Lieutenant Sasrfras Anchorod. She was a talented pilot and I offer my condolences that she will not be able to fly for the Empire any longer. Your sister knew there were dangers in flying a TIE fighter—oxygen failure among them—and she devoted her life to it nonetheless. She was well on her way to a great career; I understand no less than Darth Vader visited her before her death. She shall be missed.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources

 

 

Mr. Feeblitigee,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you following the death of your wife, Dudlia Feeblitigee. Our canteens have never seen a better server, and I know I speak for so many officers and soldiers when I offer my condolences. She took the title of “lunch lady” and made it her own, and for that you should be proud. Even Darth Vader had to respect her authority; just before she was laid low by that fiendish gas leak, she had reprimanded him for cutting in line. She was a true asset to the Empire.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources

 

 

 

Engineer Reejan,

I’m sorry, I cannot accept your accusation that Darth Vader “crushed” your favorite droid. If that sort of behavior was common of the Emperor’s Right Hand, there would have been ample evidence in the past. But I can find no such record. I can only assume metal fatigue is the culprit here, and that it’s best for all parties involved that we put this behind us, so that we can continue to breathe easy and freely.

 

My condolences on your loss,

Tiaan Jerjerrod

Human Resources


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Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.