What if Dogs Wrote Classic Novels?

Posted by Blair Thornburgh

The greatest things in the world are, in no particular order, dogs and books. Groucho Marx put it best: "outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

But what if you could multiply the best-frienditude and put adorable canines in literature?! Or, as Xzibit would say, "Yo dawg, we heard you like dogs, so we put dogs in your book so you can dog while you dog. Dogs!" Here are six brilliant reimaginings of pup-ular novels.

Moby Bone: An obvious choice: dogs are really into finding bones, Ahab is really into finding whales, bones and whales are both white and…live in the sea, sort of? It works. We also just love that doggie sailor outfit.

The Fetcher in the Rye: Holden Caulfield is practically a dog already: he loves whining and looking at ducks and running through fields. Sample dialogue: "Woof woof, bark bark, ya damn phonies."

A Walk to Remember: It was warm out, the leash was comfortable, there were tons of good smells, and Mandy Moore was somehow involved.

I, Marley: Finally, the "world's worst dog" gets to take the story into his own paws. Be sure to have tissues ready for the heartrending final chapter when Marley has to bury his owner's corpse on the family farm.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Puppies: It is a truth universally acknowledge that the original version of this book did not have enough dogs.

Dog with a Blog-to-Book Deal: If there is actually a dog out there that is sentient enough to maintain a regularly-updated weblog, PLEASE CALL US NOW YOUR CONTRACT IS WAITING.

(Shout out to this gchat conversation for inspiring this post. I'm sorry I doubted you, Matt!)

Image credits: 1 2 3 4 5

Blair Thornburgh

Blair Thornburgh

BLAIR THORNBURGH is a graduate of the University of Chicago, where she earned a B.A. in medieval studies and delivered a pretty good commencement speech. She lives in Philadelphia.