No doubt everyone in the United States is familiar with the Salem Witch Trials. The story has been the inspiration of many a tale, including the newly released horror film, The Witch. And to make the story even stranger, 1692 was a leap year and arrest warrants were issued for Tituba, Sarah Osbourne, and Sarah Good on Feb 29th. With all this mind, we at Quirk wanted to take a look at the many witches that have cast a spell on our pop culture, and how they would fare in a good old-fashioned cage match.
Round 1: Hermione Granger (Harry Potter Series) vs. Moiraine Damodred (The Wheel of Time Series)
Hermione is likely the most clever witch ever to grace the pages of a novel. She exudes intelligence and seems capable of learning nearly any skill and any spell. It is rare that she runs into a challenge she can not easily conquer, unless one day she ran into a pissed off Moiraine. An Aes Sedai (magical priestess) of the Blue Ajah, Moiraine’s accomplishments are legendary. She tracked down the Dragon Reborn a.k.a Rand al’Thor, has fought in and survived many battles. Most importantly she has battled four and beaten two of the Forsaken, the most evil and powerful beings in the Wheel of Time. Though Hermione would put up a valiant fight, throwing curse after curse, she is unlikely to use the most unforgivable Avada Kedavra against a new foe. Moiraine however wouldn’t hesitate to use a little Balefire and wipe Hermione, not only off the face of the earth, but partially out of the timeline as well.
Round 2: The Wicked Witch of the West (The Oz series) vs. Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
The Wicked Witch cuts a terrifying figure. She has a whole entire magical land peeing their pants. Her powers are many, including the ability to fly on a broomstick and create fire with the snap of a finger. Be she isn’t going up against some amateur. Willow actually feeds off of other people’s magic. She also almost destroyed the entire world. The Wicked Witch would be a snack for Ms. Rosenberg. Even if Willow didn’t flay the Wicked Witch like she did Warren Mears, no doubt she could summon a little rain to melt her enemy.
Round 3: The Three Witches (The Lords of Salem) vs. The Three Witches (Macbeth)
Witches often come in sets of three, but there are few covens as tough as those from The Lords of Salem and Macbeth. Most witch trifectas are a play on the original terrible threesome in Macbeth. These three ladies play the title character like a fiddle, using with their predictions to control his every move. The Lords of Salem witches are fantastic manipulators too, getting almost everyone in the movie to dance to their tune. The real defining factor is which of these sets of women are willing to get their hands dirty. When manipulation just won’t do, the group of witches from The Lords of Salem aren’t afraid to do some nasty business. No doubt Sonny, as portrayed by the fantastic Dee Wallace, would have her trusty frying pan at hand to crush some old witch skulls.