We’re big fans of 80s paperbacks here at Quirk Books – so much so that we published an entire book about them! And as true millennials (and a handful of nostalgic Gen Z kids), we’ve spent a significant amount of time wondering which fictional club we’d join if life suddenly became an 80s paperback. We’re going back to a time when the magazine quiz reigned supreme. So, dust off those old issues of Sassy and sharpen your pencils. Because this one’s a quiz for the ages.
Literally, the ages. Ages 22 to 37. Okay, you get it.
It’s the first day of school and you want to show off a new outfit to go with your favorite scrunchie. What do you throw on?
a. A brand-new ankle length denim skirt. You still need to stay modest, you know?
b. A peter pan collar blouse with subtle stallion embroidery on the collar. Your friends will get it.
c. A flashy pink baseball jacket that will probably prompt bullies to ask if you just stepped off the set of Grease. Don’t listen to them.
d. It doesn’t matter what you wear, as long as you’ve never worn this particular combination of clothes before. You have a fashionable reputation to uphold.
e. A simple A-line dress: classy, yet functional. Oh, and a scrunchie? No thank you. You wear your hair down at all times.
The guidance counselor called you into her office to talk about your future. She means well, but you’ve had your career path planned since you were seven years old. You tell her about your plans to become...
a. The first Orthodox editor-in-chief of The Washington Post.
b. A champion jockey. And if that doesn’t work out, the owner of the most lucrative stable in Virginia.
c. MLB’s first female pitcher – and happily married to Mike Piazza.
d. A successful entrepreneur. Oh wait, you already are!
e. A UN ambassador. You’re going to turn that dream of world peace into a reality!
Your best friend is jealous of the uncharacteristic trust your parents started exhibiting over the summer. What does this newfound freedom look like?
a. A shared family computer, but it’s only because the clacking of your typewriter was driving the whole family insane.
b. A new car, but honestly, they were tired of driving you to and from riding lessons every day.
c. A brand-new set of equipment, but the old wooden bat you were using really put them on edge. It’s a safely issue!
d. A landline phone in your room with – get this – a dedicated phone number. But your business is really taking off and you need it.
e. A lock on your bedroom door. But it’s only because you’re trying on pageant gowns at all hours and your family isn’t exactly the knocking type.
Your boyfriend wants to know if you can hang out after school – maybe go see that new movie Back to the Future. But this afternoon’s no good. You have to...
a. What boyfriend? You’re not allowed to date. Besides, you have to reset the layout of the entire paper, by hand. It’s going to be a long night.
b. Go to the stable. You invited him to come along, but he finds your passion “boring.” Sometimes you think the only guy who truly gets you is your thoroughbred Starlight.
c. Warm up for your game! You know it’s not a school-sanctioned team, but the least he can do is put it in his calendar.
d. Babysit. And last time you brought him with you to a charge’s house, the kid made kissy noises the whole time. No thank you.
e. Go to a fitting. These sequin-covered evening gowns aren’t going to make themselves.
It’s finally the weekend! Saturday morning is all about...
a. Heading to shul and spending time with family.
b. Brushing Starlight’s mane and getting ready for that afternoon’s competition.
c. Watching game tape with the team. Thank god everyone’s dad has a camcorder these days.
d. Sleeping in. Friday nights are your biggest babysitting days and you need a break!
e. Waking up early for the Miss Crandall Beauty Contest. So many people are counting on you!
Ready for your results?
You’re a member of The B.Y. Times, the school newspaper at your all-girls Orthodox Jewish private school. In fact, you might even be Shani Baum, the paper’s editor-in-chief. She’s super smart and wonderfully frum.
You’re a member of The Saddle Club, Virginia’s most elite club for Pine Hollow Stable girls who love horses and could use a little help on their math homework. In fact, you’re probably Carole Hanson, the club’s most experienced – and most serious – rider.
You’re a member of The Pink Parrots, an anti-oppression, all female baseball team created in the wake of discriminatory little league practices. In fact, you’re probably the team’s leader, the headstrong Amy Breezy Hawk. Talk about an excellent sports name!
You’re a member of The Baby-Sitter’s Club, or the BSC for those in the know. In fact, you’re probably vice president Claudia Kishi, who not only has a wardrobe that rivals every Teen Vogue editor ever, but also has her own phone line.
You’re a member of the Dream Girls, which is more a rivalry than a club when it comes down to it. But if you have to live in a bitter tiff, you might as well be the wholesome Linda Ellis, the town favorite to win the Miss Crandall Beauty Contest.