Every schoolchild knows that Julius Caesar murdered on the Ides of March (that’s March 15th, for the less classically inclined). But how did the homicidal conspirators come to such a date for their bloody intentions? Surely the scheduling must have been difficult. In fact, it may have gone something like this…
CASSIUS: Want a date cookie? My new girl made them.
BRUTUS: Don’t mind if I do, thanks.
CASSIUS: Eat two, Brutus.
BRUTUS: What? Why would you say that?
CASSIUS: ‘Cause you’re just going to ask for another. I’ve seen how you snack.
BRUTUS: I don’t…you don’t…so! When we gonna do this thing?
CASSIUS: “This thing?”
BRUTUS: You know, take care of the big guy.
CASSIUS: “The big guy?” You sound like an actor.
BRUTUS: You know what I’m talking about.
CASSIUS: Should I get you a mask? Sounds like I should get you a mask. (looks around) Are we in a theatre? Did I step on stage and not know about it?
BRUTUS: Knock it off. I feel weird enough about this as it is.
CASSIUS: ‘Cause if I’m on stage, I should wearing a better costume.
BRUTUS: Enough, all right. This is hard to just talk about.
CASSIUS: What about this. We’re planning to kill a corrupted head of state. You’re not confessing to your wife about your mistress.
BRUTUS: Hey, now, lay off…
CASSIUS: Figure of speech. I’m sure all the women in your life get along just fine. Now. Taking care of the big guy.
BRUTUS: Stop it.
CASSIUS: I’m just using your words. I’m trying to make you comfortable. So. End of February? That good for you?
BRUTUS: So soon?
CASSIUS: Strike while Emperor is hot.
BRUTUS: I dunno. I’m gonna need a good alibi, and I don’t think I get one in that short of time.
CASSIUS: An alibi? Who’s gonna question you? Caesar?
BRUTUS: My wife.
BRUTUS: Early March, then.
CASSIUS: Can’t. I have a wedding.
BRUTUS: For ALL of early March?
CASSIUS: It’s in Constantinople.
BRUTS: Still, though.
CASSIUS: Preaching to the oracle, bub. They’re Bacchans.
CASSIUS: You ever been to a Bacchan wedding?
CASSIUS: If you had you wouldn’t ask that.
BRUTUS: So, they like the wine?
CASSIUS: Yes. Much in the same fish like the sea.
BRUTUS: Okay, okay. When you get back?
CASSIUS: The 13th.
BRUTUS: So we do it then.
CASSIUS: When I’m fresh off the boat?
BRUTUS: Why not?
CASSIUS: Sea legs, for one. You want me to prepare to stab Julius Ceasar, the Lion of Rome, Dictator Perpeteus, God upon the Earth while I still have knees that somehow don’t understand why the ground isn’t moving. Do you want me to kill him by falling on him?
BRUTUS: Would that work?
CASSIUS: You expect me to be recovered in a day.
BRUTUS: It’s just a wedding.
CASSIUS: A Bacchan wedding. In Constantinople. You ever come back from a Bacchan wedding in Constantinople?
CASSIUS: When you do, we’ll see how long it takes you to recover. (grumbles) I can do the 15th.
BRUTUS: The Ides of March.
CASSIUS: What? What’s the problem with that?
BRUTUS: Nothing. It’s kind of poetic. Ominous.
CASSIUS: Here, I think I have a mask in my toga, let me get it out.
BRUTUS: Stop it.
CASSIUS: Hey, if you’re going to monologue, you should at least look the part.
BRUTUS: You’re the worst….hey, could I have another one of those date cookies?
CASSIUS: Told ya.