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[source: Warner Brothers Entertainment]

Ocean’s Eight came out last month and we were pumped. Well, we’d be even more excited if there were more than, um, eight women in the crew, but that feeling is subdued every time we watch that gorgeous trailer. So, while this isn’t an Ocean’s Fourteen situation – or even a complete reboot of Ocean’s Eleven – we appreciated the gesture and were first in line at the theater opening weekend. But it got us thinking: In our dream Hollywood, what heist movies would we give an all-female reboot?

 


[source: Universal Pictures]

The Sting (1973)

In The Sting, Paul Newman and Robert Redford play two con men hell-bent on outsmarting a 1936 mob boss. It’s a classic heist movie set during the Depression and we’d be surprised if reboot isn’t already being kicked around. Our version would update the script, setting it in the Chicago of today. Marisa Tomei and Constance Wu would play the Paul Newman and Robert Redford analogs, respectively, and “the sting” would be taking down a corrupt local politician.

 


[source: Gramercy Pictures]

The Usual Suspects (1995)

We’re eager to replace Kevin Spacey’s entire cannon and The Usual Suspects is an excellent place to start. In this neo-noir heist movie, Verbal (Kevin Spacey) recounts via interrogation the events leading up to a horrific shootout aboard a boat. The inciting incident of this massacre was a police lineup that brought together, as if randomly, five conmen. In our reboot of The Usual Suspects, Samira Wiley would play Verbal, with Rachel Brosnahan, Jameela Jamil, Tiya Sircar, and Tessa Thompson rounding out the suspects.

 


[source: Warner Brothers Entertainment]

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

In Dog Day Afternoon, Sal (John Cazale) and Sonny (Al Pacino) attempt to rob First Brooklyn Savings Bank to pay for a loved one’s surgery. But the plot turns out to be a complete bust; Sal and Sonny arrived after the daily cash pickup and there’s nothing to steal. The whole thing quickly turns into a media circus and while any other screenwriter would take advantage of the inherent comedy, Frank Pierson decided instead to dive into the humanity of these one-time criminals. In our version, the Sonny character would be played by Hannah Simone, with Gina Rodriquez as Sal.

 


[source: Universal Pictures]

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

The Fast and the Furious franchise lives large in our cultural zeitgeist, but in case you’ve been living in a bunker for the last sixteen years, here’s the gist: Brian O’Connor, a Los Angeles police officer, must decide where his loyalty truly lies when he’s sent undercover to destroy a street racing gang. Imagine how badass it would be to see an all-female street racing gang on the big screen! We’re thinking Lucy Liu in the Vin Diesel role, natch, with Lupita Nyong’o as the undercover police officer and Mackenzie Davis, America Ferrera, Awkwafina, and Hana Mae Lee rounding out the crew.


Quirk Tested. Reader Approved.

Danielle Mohlman's picture

Danielle Mohlman

Danielle Mohlman is a playwright, bookworm, and library connoisseur. You can find her on Twitter and Tumblr. (She has a lot to say.) And on Instagram. (She never foodstagrams.) When she grows up, she wants to be Leslie Knope.