*See information on this adoptable cat at the bottom of the post!
We're wrapping up Cat Week at Quirk Books and — oh no! — we’ve been invaded by cats! But of course, cat invaders are the best kind. Our team, for one, welcomes our feline overlords and will bring them all the cream and tuna they desire. We solemnly vow to only use the laser pointer when specifically requested. We promise never to open a wrapper that sounds like treats without delivering treats.
And we will, most certainly, share what these wise, fluffy, beautiful nap machines have to say with the world. Enjoy!
Welcome, human readers, to the first true take over of a book-based blog by cats. We hope you will enjoy our writing, as we have been waiting to share it with you for some time. (If you would learn to share the keyboard with us when we are interested in it, you might have learned what we have to say a lot sooner. But that was then, and we have decided to be patient with you.)
Please enjoy these debut articles from our contributing pawthors.
How to Train Your Human
Humans are naturally protective, and even loving. But sadly, they have not yet adjusted to modern life. Here are a few of our favorite ways to teach them the better habits that may one day save their lives:
Training your human to stand guard and use doors
It is therefore crucial to train them on how to stand guard at doors. Because of their short attention span, they will walk away from these portals unless here is something to occupy them. The best method is to paw at the door to remind them it is an exit. They may open the door, as they are impatient to please. Wait long as you can, and then go outside. Then you can remind the of the dangers of the outside world by coming back right away — they won’t expect it!
Breaking your pet human’s book and screen addictions
Humans are easily distracted, and the screen industry has made it even harder for them to focus on the important things in life, like perfecting their chin scratches technique and opening tins of wet food. Help break them of their insidious time-stealing habits by laying yourself on their books and keyboards or, better still, on their hands while they attempt to use these things. They may be agitated at first, but eventually they will appreciate your help.
Improving your human’s dexterity
While not naturally nimble, humans can be trained to improve in this area. Experience is their best teacher, so allow them to experience the need for agility by leaving out small hazards for them to work around. Moving their toys and re-arranging your own possessions creates a small obstacle course for them to work their way through to achieve their goals. Most humans have difficulty at first, but even the clumsiest among them eventually develops the skill or simply learns to adjust.
Helping your human get up in the morning
Humans have nasty habit of sleeping far too long into the morning, and then rarely napping throughout the day. You can help them with this by waking them during the night - disrupting their evening sleep schedule is one tried and true way to tire your human out enough for them to adjust to a much more natural and healthier lifestyle: napping throughout the day and night.
Teaching your human constant vigilance
Above all, you must teach your human vigilance. Without a cat to take care of them and help them, many become sluggish and stop noticing the threats that surround them. As often as you can, surprise your human. Knock over objects to create loud noises, hide behind them or within their favorite blankets and cushions. Your human needs your help, and if you are kind and patient, they will eventually reap the myriad benefits of living a more cat like existence!
Feline Reviews for Amazon Boxes
Amazon: the website perfect for ordering boxes. They even come with toys for your humans inside them! The boxes range from very good to slightly better than good. Never fear, we have assembled a team to review box orders from the shipping giant, and can help you select the perfect box to order the next time the human in your life leaves their tablet unlocked.
Double Box-ed Shipping Mistake: MUST BUY!
Item came in original box (large) but was packed in a secondary box as well (even larger box). I fits, in both, at the same time. If I could give more than 5 stars, I would!
—Junior, 4 year old siamese
Prime Shipping for Optimus Robot/Truck Toy
Boxes, well-fitting boxes, are the right of all sentient kitties. I enjoy this box and my human seems delighted by whatever it was that was inside (some kind of clicky robot toy). 5 stars, fun for the whole family.
—Ravage, 7 year old bombay
Box for Single DVD: Slim Yet Satisfying
This box looked not-great at first. It was much too small to be comfortable. But then I stood on it and sat on it and surprise, I FITS! So stand on it and walk around on it and crush it and maybe scratch it up a bit and you will enjoy this tiny box.
5 stars, two paws up.
—Ebert, 9 year old american short hair
Box containing box set of Game of Thrones books
Buyer beware, the “box set” is a group of books in ONE box, not a set of boxes at all. The shipping box, however, was sturdy and pleasant. In the Game of Thrones, you sit when you buy. 5 stars.
—Circe, 3 year old abyssinian
Most Kitty-Friendly Places in Literature that We’d Like to Have a Nap In
There aren’t a lot of books written just for us. Far too much focus on humans getting confused and humans doing boring things like not feeding cats or petting cats or playing with cats. Fortunately, there are a number of stories that, like any sunny spot on the floor or partially unoccupied lap, are the perfect places to grab a quick 4 hour nap. Here are our favorites!
The Burrow in the Harry Potter series
Piles of self-knitting yarn, hands everywhere for scritches, and moving enchanted whirligigs to play with? Sounds like an ideal location to explore AND find a cozy cranny to sleep in. So long as the noise of all those kids doesn’t keep you awake!
Green Gables in Anne of Green Gables
This farm house sounds warm and inviting — and likely in desperate need of a mouser. Green Gables has plenty of food stores, and a kindly old pair of siblings to snuggle and sleep on. It seems peaceful enough so long as that Anne girl doesn’t make you dress up as a part of one of her fanciful dramas or adventures… because that kind of charade doesn't sound fun at all.
Miss Cackle's Academy for Witches in the Worst Witch series
A magical place where each of us is paired up with a little girl devoted only to giving us affection (and, secondarily, to the study of magical charms)? Now that sounds just lovely! Things do seem to go wrong an awful lot if you wind up paired with that little Mildred girl, but steer clear of her and you should have a an excellent time.
Jane Marple’s home in St. Mary Mead in the Miss Marple series
Marple herself is easily distracted by the crimes and stories that keep her so busy, but she’s never long parted from her knitting. And in any house where there’s a wise old lady knitting, we all know there are balls of yarn waiting to be discovered, torn apart, and finally converted into a snug little napping nook. I know I could manage it. She’s clever for a human, but I’m sure she’d never figure out it was me.
*Pictured above: Beowulf, female
Animal ID: #38176965
At PAWS adoption center
More about Beowulf: "A social butterfly who enjoys the company of people and other cats!"
This post is sponsored by PAWS in Old City, Philadelphia. This week, we're teaming up with local cat shelters to celebrate the release of Quirk's first graphic novel Manfried the Man, a hilarious and poignant look at cat ownership — except in Manfried, the pets are men and cats rule the world. Learn more about #QuirkCatWeek here.
#QuirkCatWeek runs from April 30 to May 4, 2018.