Ew, Gross, I Would Never: Five Characters That Would Make Terrible Real Life Boyfriends

Posted by Preeti Chhibber

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As we know, there are some characters written out there who would make amazing boyfriends. Well, for every one decent human being, there are dozens of terrible ones. I mean, terrible. Would-not-date-ever. And I’m not entirely sure why anyone would.

This isn’t to say I dislike the books on this list, I’m just saying I wouldn’t fall in love with any of these guys.

Edward Cullen, Twilight
“Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.”
Edward Cullen is kind of the anti-Darcy. Where Mr. Darcy is going to show up on almost every single oh, why isn’t he real list ever, Edward Cullen is there on the other side to show you how wrong it could go. I realize that there are many, many girls and women who would flog me for saying so… but I have my reasons!
He’s 17… forever.
Does anyone remember 17-year-old boys? They’re terrible. Narcisistic, rude, smelly. Also, he’s kind of terrifying. He literally hides out in Bella’s bedroom to watch her sleep. This is before they start dating. He totally spies on her and decides who she should and shouldn’t be friends with. It is the worst.
I mean, he’s supposedly super handsome… but a girl’s got to have some independence, right? DC3 didn’t sing “Independent Women” for nothing, okay?
Comic by the fantastic Kate Beaton
Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights
“I have no pity! I have no pity! The more the worms writhe, the more I yearn to crush out their entrails! It is a moral teething; and I grind with greater energy in proportion to the increase of pain.”
I won’t lie, I love Emily Bronte’s gothic masterpiece. I love it. I hated every single character in it, but I loved the book.
Heathcliff is your standard tall, dark, handsome, and possibly gypsy, character… with a slight anger problem. To be fair, he and Cathy Earnshaw completely and totally deserve each other. Despite loving each other, she decides that to marry him would “degrade her.” He swears vengeance and vows to destroy all those who stopped him from being with Catherine – despite Catherine being the one who made the decision to say yes to poor, poor Edgar Linton.
So, Heathcliff ruins the life of Edgar and Edgar’s innocent sister Isabella. But that’s not enough, no, Heathcliff has to ruin the lives of their heirs, too!
I know, I know, there is romance there. He is passionate to a fault, one might say. But honestly, he was a sociopath.
Dream, The Sandman
“On reflection, while I cannot give you the thing itself, I could give you a dream of my love.”

To begin: I think the Sandman series is genius. It is one of the best graphic novel series ever written, and beyond that, probably one of the best stories ever created. Neil Gaiman, you are awesome.

That being said, Dream would make the absolute worst boyfriend of all time.
Oh how he moons about. He’s so bad at being in love. I have one name for you: Nada.
Nada thought that her love with Dream caused her home village to be destroyed. So she left him. Dream was not having it, so he pursued, and when she chose to commit suicide rather than anger the Gods further… he banished her to hell.
Woo boy. Ten thousand years.
Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter
“No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.”

Draco Malfoy is not evil, per se. He’s misguided, definitely. And certainly makes bad decisions. But he’s not evil.

He is, however, a huge jerk.
Draco is an entitled upper class wizard. Don’t you know who his father is? I think most of us are aware what an asshole Draco is. His life is totally hard with his stupid parents making bad decisions and all, but come on. He’s so whiny. And weak willed. And rude. And remember when he tried to get Buckbeak executed?
The real reason he is on this list, however, is because there is a bizarre amount of Draco x Hermione (Dramione) fanfiction on the internet. This offends me. Hermione would never. (Please see the title of this post).
St. John Rivers, Jane Eyre
“God and nature intended you for a missionary’s wife. It is not personal, but mental endowments they have given you: you are formed for labour, not for love. A missionary’s wife you must – shall be. You shall be mine: I claim you – not for my pleasure, but for my Sovereign’s service.”
Jane Eyre is my favorite book of all time. I love it. And I love Jane. I love Jane as much as I love Elizabeth Bennett. They are awesome heroines.
Jane’s cousin, St. John Rivers, on the other hand, is so obnoxious. Jane has come to his home in poor circumstances, as her potential marriage has just fallen apart due to absolutely insane events happening (I won’t share them here because it is awesome, and you should read it if you haven’t).
Their home is incredibly religious (in case the St. John didn’t tip you off), and St. John spends his entire tenure of the book in his holier-than-thou attitude. Despite this, he’s in love with a local woman, and is lucky enough that she loves him back. But – and here’s where the terrible boyfriend part comes in – he thinks she wouldn’t make a good enough wife for a missionary, so he pursues Jane instead.
Jane (because she knows what’s up) is appalled, and heads back to Thornfield, where she belongs.

I’m sure there are other terrible potential literary boyfriends, so sound off, who do you think would make the worst plus-one?

Preeti Chhibber usually spends her time reading a ridiculous amount of Young Adult (for work, she swears!), but is also ready to jump into most fandoms at a moment’s notice. You can follow her on Twitter @runwithskizzers.