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There are countless fairy tales and legends we hold dear, but not all of them have had the staying power of Beauty and the BeastSnow White, and Cinderella. Some stories just don’t have what it takes to remain in public consciousness and be made into Disney films. Here’s a collection of fairy tales that have fallen, deservedly, into obscurity.*

 

The Good Sausage

A woman wishes for a baby so much that she engages the assistance of a charcuterie-obsessed witch. Thanks to a magic potion, the woman gives birth, not to a baby, but a giant sausage. Despite not having arms or legs, the sausage manages to win the king’s best horse in a game of nine-pins, slay a dragon, and marry a princess.

 

The Diamond Princess

An over-protective king keeps his daughter from experiencing anything in life, for fear it might harm her. His actions slowly turn the princess from flesh-and-blood into hard diamond. Once her transformation is completed, she shoves her sharpened fingers into his eyes, blinding him, and escapes the castle. She then becomes a fearsome warrior queen in a land far away. Her father turns into a blind flea, for no clear reason.

 

The Mouse Tailor

An overworked tailor wishes to switch lives with mouse. A drunk fairy nearby grants the wish, shrinking the man to mouse-size and putting him in the midst of a fantastic rodent society. The man promptly moves the mice from proto-capitalist barter system to a communist collective. The mouse, now 6 ft tall and running the tailor shop, becomes a sensation throughout the town due to his fine embroidery.

 

The Golden Song

A young troubadour composes the most beautiful song in the world. After a run in with a witch disguised as a three-legged dairy cow, he is cursed to forget it. He writes other songs, but everyone says they’re not as good as his earlier work.

 

The Seven Foxes

A woodcutters daughter runs afoul of witch disguised as a humble turtle seller. The witch curses the girl never to return home until she claims “the tail of a dragon.” Through a serious of misadventures involving talking birds, a boy afraid of milk, and the fluffiest dog in the world, the girl finally comes across a dragon. Unable to chop the dragon’s tail for fear of hurting it, she finds her way home instead by recounting the tale of the dragon. There are no foxes in this story.

 

The Former Giant

A giant runs a foul of a witch disguised as a crumpet seller. She curses him to human-size, and he wanders the land, trying to convince people he was once much taller. He befriends a dog, but despite their kinship, the dog doesn’t believe him, either.

 

The Stubborn Bean

Stupid bean refuses to grow. Because it’s stupid. Stupid bean.

 

Bile Green

A haughty queen accidently mocks a witch disguised as an incompetent laundress. The witch curses the queen’s first born daughter to have “hair as green as bile, and a tongue to match.” Bile Green’s arch commentary on the futility of the feudal system she was born in to, the way chivalry actually demeans women, and how hereditary-ruling systems are doomed to fail, make it very difficult to find a suitor. Bile Green eventually escapes the castle, and ends up living happily ever after on a lesbian farming collective.

 

The Witches’ Congress

A group of witches gather together to discuss disguises and the various ways to annoy normal people until they snap. A young witch suggests that there might be better uses of their time and talents, and she is promptly turned into a shrew by the others.

 

*None of these are actual fairy tales.


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Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.