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Emily Dickinson was many things: great poet, a social recluse, lover of white dresses. One thing Emily Dickinson was not was a rabid Christmas shopper. But what if she was? What if holiday shopping was her main inspiration for her poems? Then they would probably read like this.

 

Because I Could Not Stop To Shop

Because I could not stop to shop
I went and looked online
My shopping cart held ones and o’s
For such was my design.

I slowly scrolled—for there’s no haste
Upon the Amazon
I thought hard of my loved ones’s needs
And the gifts that I might assign

I turned down Prime, where discounts strove
To fool with another trick
But faster shipping would be divine
And I could finally watch The Tick.

With that I’ll say my shopping’s done
And my binge-watching shall begin
Though the holiday is close at hand
How long till my gifts arrive?

 

“Hope” is the thing without wires

Hope the thing without wires
That tangle in the soul
It brings you joy without cables
And never stops – at all

Be it headphones, remotes or WiFi
Such luxury may be a sin
No better present at present
Than something you needn’t plug in

Despite this love untethered
I must speak of the cost
I own things that are wireless
But all of them now are lost!

 

I’m Secret Santa! Who are you?

I’m Secret Santa! Who are you?
Are you Secret Santa too?
Shopping for someone I know?
Don’t tell! It’s a secret – you know!

How lovely to be Santa
But stealthy—like a fox
To surprises a friend or co-worker
With gifts unorthodox!

 

Sales Are Counted Sweetest

Sales are counted sweetest
By those who rarely shop
Black Friday comes, off they run
Their “deals” the latest slop

Not one of all the maddened crowd
Who took the mall today
Call tell the utter value
Of their cart’s chachkis

He thinks of Christmas – shopping –
All year, not just on the fly
Knows that the best presents
Are sometimes found in July.


Quirk Tested. Reader Approved.

Jared Axelrod's picture

Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.