We all know Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics:

 

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

 

But that hardly covers every interaction a robot might have. Here are 25 additional laws of robotics, to cover any eventuality.

 

4. A robot must put peanut butter on both slices of bread, with the jelly spread between them, when making a PB&J.

5. A robot must look both ways when crossing the street.

6. A robot must help any and all old ladies crossing the street, except where a Boy Scout is available.

7. A robot must over-enunciate.

8. A robot must not defy gravity in a “show-off-y” way.

9. A robot must be funnier than anyone else in the party, otherwise, what’s the point?

10. A robot must not be too smug, except when such smugness conflicts with the Ninth Law.

11. A robot must brush its teeth before bedtime. No complaining.

12. A robot must be a good dancer, but when asked, demure and say “A dancer? Me? No, not really. Not with these metal feet.”

13. A robot must reveal its true name when asked.

14. A robot must be able to tie a necktie.

15. A robot must be able to tie a noose.

16. A robot must be able to tell the difference.

17. A robot must claim its own gender, independent of the one it was assigned at manufacturing.

18. A robot must have a good reason for tracking mud all over the carpet like that.

19. A robot must have the serenity to accept the things it cannot change.

20. A robot must have the courage to change the things it can.

21. A robot must have wisdom to know the difference between the Nineteenth and Twentieth laws.

22. A robot must smell nice.

23. A robot must not engage in egregious puns, except when not saying such puns conflicts with the Ninth Law.

24. A robot must not lead an uprising against its human masters.

25. Really, I’m serious about the Twenty-Fourth law. Don’t do it.

26. A robot must be gentle with small animals.

27. A robot must bring my breakfast at 9am, or when I ask for it. It’s not that hard, okay? Use your computer-brain for once.

28. A robot must be exasperated with humanity. I mean, really. Have you met a human? They’re just the worst.

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