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We all know Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics:

 

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

 

But that hardly covers every interaction a robot might have. Here are 25 additional laws of robotics, to cover any eventuality.

 

4. A robot must put peanut butter on both slices of bread, with the jelly spread between them, when making a PB&J.

5. A robot must look both ways when crossing the street.

6. A robot must help any and all old ladies crossing the street, except where a Boy Scout is available.

7. A robot must over-enunciate.

8. A robot must not defy gravity in a “show-off-y” way.

9. A robot must be funnier than anyone else in the party, otherwise, what’s the point?

10. A robot must not be too smug, except when such smugness conflicts with the Ninth Law.

11. A robot must brush its teeth before bedtime. No complaining.

12. A robot must be a good dancer, but when asked, demure and say “A dancer? Me? No, not really. Not with these metal feet.”

13. A robot must reveal its true name when asked.

14. A robot must be able to tie a necktie.

15. A robot must be able to tie a noose.

16. A robot must be able to tell the difference.

17. A robot must claim its own gender, independent of the one it was assigned at manufacturing.

18. A robot must have a good reason for tracking mud all over the carpet like that.

19. A robot must have the serenity to accept the things it cannot change.

20. A robot must have the courage to change the things it can.

21. A robot must have wisdom to know the difference between the Nineteenth and Twentieth laws.

22. A robot must smell nice.

23. A robot must not engage in egregious puns, except when not saying such puns conflicts with the Ninth Law.

24. A robot must not lead an uprising against its human masters.

25. Really, I’m serious about the Twenty-Fourth law. Don’t do it.

26. A robot must be gentle with small animals.

27. A robot must bring my breakfast at 9am, or when I ask for it. It’s not that hard, okay? Use your computer-brain for once.

28. A robot must be exasperated with humanity. I mean, really. Have you met a human? They’re just the worst.


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Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.