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You all remember "The Good Sausage," "The Mouse Tailor," "Bile Green," and the other Forgotten Fairy Tales, don’t you? You probably don’t, as there’s a reason these tales have been lost to time. Here’s yet another collection of fairy tales that have escaped the public consciousness, for reasons that will become obvious.*

 

The Delightful Stag

The youngest daughter of a king with a taste for taxidermy falls in love with a talking stag. The stag turns out to be prince, who was transformed by a witch disguised as hamster trainer. Hiding from society, he now rules over a mystical land of talking fruits. After an exhaustive and disturbing accounting of the style, number and color of each of the talking fruit’s teeth, the stag beseeches the King’s daughter to stay with him. She refuses, missing her family, and returns to the castle. The King, seeing the magnificent stag, attempts to slay it immediately. But magic intervenes, and the King’s daughter lives happily ever after, and the King’s head is stuffed and mounted in the main banquet hall.

 

Lizardfeet

An incredibly creepy King wished to marry his daughter. The daughter, thinking herself clever, said she would not agree to marry her father unless he turned the two lizards that vomited gold—and were the source of the kingdom’s wealth—into a pair of shoes for her to wear at the wedding. The king granted her boon without thinking, and gave her the shoes. Her bluff called, the daughter ran away from the kingdom, and crossed paths with a witch disguised as a noble turd polisher. The witch turned the princess’s feet into two lizards, which put the King off marrying her completely. Lizardfeet, as she came to be known, went on to design fashionable footwear in a neighboring kingdom.

 

Seven Dancing Peahens

A prince is constantly surrounded by seven dancing peahens. Occasionally, one will transform into a beautiful woman, but for the most part, it’s just seven fowl doing the watusi and getting in the prince’s way no matter where he goes. A witch disguised as an itinerant panda arrives, but doesn’t really do anything.

 

The Stone Bride

A poor farmer is tired to being made fun of for being a bachelor despite reaching the ancient age of thirty. He asks a local stone mason to carve him a wife out of stone, so his neighbors will stop bothering him. As the mason carves the bride, he and the farmer fall in love, and end up moving in together and adopting three wastrel children—one girl, one boy and one who’s gender is never specified throughout the story. The stone bride is never finished.

 

The Clever Hedgehog

A witch disguised as humble squid peddler tricks a woman into marrying a hedgehog. Fortunately, this hedgehog is a very capable con artist, and through a series of misadventures involving a high-stakes card game, impersonation of multiple foreign dignitaries, and convincing the King of the Giants that he’s died and been reincarnated as a worm, the hedgehog is able to secure a nice house and several sacks of gold for his new wife.

 

The Sheriff’s Prize

A village sheriff is cursed by a witch disguised a kindly pig-scrubber. The rest of the tale is just a list of the series of abuses the sheriff suffers. Eventually he dies, and the village laughs and laughs and laughs.

 

Angel-Ears

A miller’s wife runs afoul with a witch disguised as common tarantella instructor, who curses their next child to be born with wings instead of ears. Despite being deaf and saddled with the unfortunate name “Angel-Ears,” the woman’s daughter nevertheless ends up marrying the prince due to her impressive embroidery skills and the subtle machinations of her pet warthog.

 

The Cat Bag

A good-for-nothing farmer’s son sells his brother for a bag that contains an infinite number of cats. The farmer’s son uses it to intimidate the king, who is allergic to dander. He ends up marrying the princess, who turns out to be three cats in a trench coat and wig.

 

The Princess Witch

A beautiful princess disguises herself as a hideous witch in order to avoid her upcoming wedding. She runs into a hideous witch disguised as a beautiful princess. They share a cup of tea and engage in a battle of wits. The princess ends up poisoning the witch, gaining all of her magic and her pet goat. She builds a flying ship, travels the world with her goat, never goes home again and lives happily ever after.

 

*As with the last batch, none of these are actual fairy tales.


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Jared Axelrod

Jared Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.