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This week sees the release of Kingdom Hearts 3 the latest chapter in the often-confusing but delightfully-screwball video game series. Throughout the series, main characters Sora, Riku and Kairi (as well as their various doppelgangers, alternate timeline versions, and body-swapped identies) traverse in through various popular Disney properties. Kingdom Hearts 3—which, it should be noted, is the eleventh game in the series, which may seem odd, but this is a game where Mickey Mouse literally journeyed to hell in the previous installment, so all bets are off—has levels based on Winnie the Pooh, Frozen and Toy Story. But what if this game took inspiration from the less-fondly remembered movies from the Disney vaults? What might that look like?

 

Condorman

Who needs the Avengers when you have Disney’s comicbook-creator-turned-CIA-agent-turned-superhero, Condorman? Well, just about everyone, because Condorman is incredibly goofy in the way all cinematic superheroes were in the decades before Michael Keaton dressed up as a black rubber bat. But the game could lean into that, with some fun chases on Condorman’s Condorcar, Condorboat, and his trademark hang-glider-esque Condorman flying suit.

 

 

Mars Needs Moms

It’s weird to refer to a Disney film as “relentlessly ugly,” but here we are. Do any of the Kingdom Hearts main characters have mothers? If so, they could rescue them from unfortunately dreadlocked Martians. Really, you could just have a mini game where you wander around cataloguing all the questionable design decisions—the overly-detailed set design, the calcified gender-roles, the faces right smack dab in the uncanny valley, etc. But that would take forever.

 

 

Tall Tale

This sounds like it should be great. Paul Bunyon! John Henry! Pecos Bill! But this 1995 film takes these legendary heroes and…makes them really bitter and depressed. So, Sora could grouse with Paul Bunyon, brood with John Henry and pout with Pecos Bill, but doing so in a cool 19th century handlebar mustache.

 

 

Brother Bear

So, in this kingdom Sora would…become a bear? That’s all that really happens in this film, a guy who hunts bears becomes a bear. So, Sora becomes a bear…and does bear things? Steals a picnic basket, maybe? Poops in the woods?

 

 

Darby O'Gill And The Little People

Thrill as the Kingdom Hearts crew bounces from one horrible Irish stereotype to another! Spill as Donald engages leprechauns in a drinking contest! Chill as Goofy attempts an Irish accent, yet still sounds better than most of the cast of the original film! I knew this film was bad when I saw it as a child, when I had absolutely zero taste and I adored Short Circuit 2, movie about a robot who raps.

 

 

Song of the South

You know what? Let’s just stop there.


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Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.