If These Books Had Funeral Directors, They’d Never Run Out of Work
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We love high stakes novels full of mystery, suspense, and, inevitably, death. But have you ever noticed that these dark and stormy adventures never include what happens to the bodies? Where are the mourning family members, the funeral processions, the shiva sitting, yes, the funeral directors? Today, we’re examining some of our favorite thrillers – and just how much business their local funeral homes would receive.
The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters
We’d love to see Detective Hank Palace team up with a local funeral director. His precinct is investigating a death by hanging in a city that sees multiple suicides a week. And multiple suicides, while horrible, would be good for business in the world of a funeral director. Plus, we’d love to see Hank have a friend outside of work – someone he can commiserate with as they both patiently wait for the world to end. Someone who also wants to do their best work until that last day.
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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith
In a world where everyone is out for brains, the Netherfield funeral director would be very very busy. And we know that Mr. Bingley – with his immense wealth – can certainly afford to have a funeral director on staff. Between throwing balls and long walks through the moors, there are plenty of opportunities for bodies to mysteriously turn up around the estate. But what happens when the funeral director is eaten by zombies? Who will step up then? Our money’s on Mary.
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Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
When there’s a vengeance-seeking creature out to destroy his creator and everyone they love, there are sure to be a ton of dead bodies around. And that’s just the murders. We’re not even talking about all the trials that lead to death by execution or torture. So, get ready, Geneva. Because this 1818 city is in desperate need of an ultra-professional – and discreet – funeral director.
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The Hunger Games by Susan Collins
In a dystopic world where there’s a literal fight to the death every single year, a funeral director in Panem would never run out of work. In fact, there should be an entire robust team of funeral directors and morticians at the ready to handle the horrific workload. We can totally see Peeta Mellark stepping into that role. We know he’s super into being a baker, but it’s never too late for a career change.
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Dracula by Bram Stoker
We know that a funeral director working in Bram Stoker’s London would have the most challenging job of all. They’re not only tasked with keeping the bodies in their caskets (it’s so hard to tell vampires from the dead these days), they’re also responsible for maintaining that casket inventory. Count Dracula is obsessed with filling these boxes with dirt from his homeland of Transylvania. Plus there’s the pox, the ill-advised blood transfusions, and every other 1890s malady killing folks left and right. We sure hope they’re keeping garlic onhand because they’re going to need it.
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