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Coffee shops have become a ubiquitous element of modern life. But despite the institution of the coffee shop being older than Shakespeare, they are often absent from the annals of classic literature. So, how would characters from classic fiction order if they found themselves in the equivalent of a 2019 Starbucks?

 

Sherlock Holmes orders his coffee strong, dark and plentiful. No need for a scone, thank you. The coffee with suffice.

 

 

Pippi Longstocking does not order coffee, preferring to purchase all the cake pops the store has instead.

 

 

 

Mr. Darcy wants a half-caf soy latte with whipped cream. But what kind of drink is that for a gentleman to order? Better to get a black coffee. But what’s the point of that? He can drink black coffee at home. Maybe a cappuccino? That’s certainly cosmopolitan. But it is too cosmopolitan? Should a gentleman be seen with that much foam? Flustered that the cashier asks him if he’s made up his mind, Mr. Darcy ends up ordering an iced tea and spends the next hour grousing about how cold it is.

 

 

After a bit of hesitation and short monologue weighing the benefits of ordering tea versus coffee, Anne Shirley resolutely orders a chai with a shot of expresso. She doesn’t care who sees her do it, either.

 

 

Winne the Pooh orders a honey latte, with condensed milk. Only without the coffee. Just the honey and milk will be fine. Oh, he asks in a sticky voice, barely two steps away from the counter, could he get a refill?

 

 

Katniss Everdeen orders a simple mocha. She is disgusted at the excesses of her fellow patron’s orders, but looks longing at them as they enjoy them.

 

 

Hannibal Lecter does not order coffee. He roasts and grinds beans he grows himself, on a small plot of land a short drive from his house. Despite what one might assume, there are no human remains in his coffee. The fertilizer he uses on the beans, however…


Jadzia Axelrod's picture

Jadzia Axelrod

Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it. She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor. She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.