Greetings from CAMP PLOT-A-WANNA! From our leaves of grass to our softball field of dreams, we provide the ultimate camping experience for the literately oriented. We know that the writing life is a sedentary, solitary, sickly experience, which is why our counselors and staff are trained to gently acquaint our campers with unfamiliar concepts like fresh air, sunlight, weenie roasts, and trees. At CAMP PLOT-A-WANNA, you’ll enjoy the wind in the willows, everyone eats shoots and leaves, and it’s always okay to kill a mockingbird.
CAMP PLOT-A-WANNA includes all the amenities that a vacationing writer could want. Take a walk in the woods, where the hours will feel like one hundred years of sollutude. Escape from the sound and the fury as you contemplate the sheltering sky while consulting a cloud atlas. When the bell tolls for lunch, enjoy a moveable feast of fried green tomatoes, madeleines, big fish, and perhaps a taste of blackberries or a clockwork orange (note: oranges are not the only fruit). End the day sitting around a pale fire, trying to understand why twilight is so popular (note: the sun also rises).
As the summer wanes our campers have all written home to their friends and family extolling the joys of a summer spent here at Camp Plot-a-Wanna!
My dearest Cassandra,
Here I am once more in this scene of dissipation and vice, and I begin already to find my morals corrupted. We reached the top of the mountain trail yesterday, I do not (know) when, without suffering so much from the heat as I had hoped to do, and am already filled to the brim with the delectable nectar of bug juice and the curious confection they call "GORP." Ashamedly, I am returned with my hem six inches deep in mud, but no worse otherwise.
With best love, &c., I am affectionately yours,
Memo: Call of Campthulu
To: Camp Plot-a-Wanna senior counselors
From: Camp Counselor Bill Shakespeare
At last night’s weenie and marshmallow roast, camper H. Lovecraft (Underwood Cabin) suggested the group tell scary stories around the campfire. He offered to begin a story, which the other campers could then add to. Things didn’t go exactly as planned. Here’s a transcript.
Our most senior camp counselor and head custodian. Interests: epic poetry, archery, sing-alongs, gyros, woodcraft. His eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but he’s still spry and sure can tell some war stories.
Willy “the Quill” Shakespeare
Interests: Drama, improv, history. Campers love him for his bawdy sense of humor and ability to turn any tragedy into a comedy. Don’t miss his sonnet slams in the main lodge every Thursday night!
Interests: Divine retribution, piety, long hikes, stargazing, pasta. A romantic at heart, he has a tendency to get lost in the woods. Just don’t mention his ongoing Dan Brown-related lawsuit.
Interests: Erotic poetry, lyre-playing, rock climbing, sandal-wearing. A favorite of our female campers, she has lots of advice for anyone who’s lovelorn, homesick, or unsure how to address the goddess Aphrodite. We just hope she finds time to finish a whole poem some time soon!
Mura “Saki” Shikibu
Interests: Court intrigue, calligraphy, classic Chinese literature, gazing at the moon. She may not say much, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself written into the next chapter of this counselor's novel, complete with a detailed description of everything you were wearing. She’s a keen observer, which is why she’s so good at leading our birdwatching and mushroom hunting hikes.
7:00 a.m. The Awakening
Rise and shine, campers! We don't care how late you stayed up scribbling out a draft of your next masterpiece, counselors are ready to pry your pens from your hands, wipe the drool from your chins, and GET YOU MOVING!
8 a.m. Breakfast of Champions
Goodbye Blue Monday! Chomp like a champion on some noveltastic nosh: Clockwork Orange juice, Bread and Jam (for Frances), and cereal-ized fiction
9 a.m. Rabbit Run
Up and at 'em! A refreshing sprint around the grounds leaves the campers breathless and full of midcentury malaise.
10 a.m. Finnegan’s Wakeboarding
Riverrun past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay! Campers can hop on their wakeboards and hold on tight for an exciting hour of watersports on the Stream of Consciousness.
12 p.m. Naked Lunch
Featuring delicious specialties by Chef Burroughs. (Note: Campers must be clothed at lunch.)
1 p.m. The Call of the Wild
From nature walks to spelunking, nothing's more inspirational for our campers than the great outdoors.
3 p.m. Fight Club
The first rule about Plot-A-Wanna Fight Club is...aw, forget it, just tell everyone, because this club is a HIT! Light roughhousing and horseplay; no hair-pulling permitted.
4 p.m. The Lottery
A fun way for us to assign camper responsibilities. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe—writers who live at Camp Plot-a-Wanna shouldn't throw stones!
6 p.m. A Moveable Feast
Campers enjoy a picnic dinner on the Plot-A-Wanna grounds. (Campers of legal drinking age may enjoy our special "Papa Hemingway" cocktail: whiskey and whiskey alone!)
7 p.m. Bonfire of the Vanities
With plenty of Camp Songs of the Vanities, S'mores of the Vanities, and Scary Stories of the Vanities to go 'round! (White suit optional.)
9 p.m. The Remains of the Day
Gather around the campfire to share favorite memories and missed opportunities. Extra points to campers who can correctly explain the meaning of dignity.
10 p.m. The Big Sleep
Nighty-night, sleep tight, don't let the plot bunnies bite!
- Horseback Writing
- Writer vs. Editor Tug-of-Wars
- Writing, Revising, Rewriting, "Punching Up," and Redrafting Letters Home
- Bird by Bird Watching
Arts & Crafts
- Wallets that are perpetually empty
- Rejection letter cozy
- Pencils refurbished from other pencils angrily snapped in half
- Typewriter ribbon lanyards
- Erasers rendered from the boiled fat of book critics
- Writers’ block whittling
Gruel: Camp Plot-A-Wanna has large quantities of unused gruel due to no one ever asking for seconds at breakfast. Therefore we will be serving the surplus on Mondays for lunch.
Tea and Madeleines: Guaranteed to be memorable! Note: being lost in memories does not excuse campers from afternoon activities.
Soup Day! Campers have a choice of:
Clam Chowder: This authentic New England delicacy was recently delivered to the Plot-A-Wanna kitchens via a Nantucket whaling ship. Ingredients include clams, salt-pork, and ship biscuits with most of the weevils removed. Served with an accompanying lecture by Chef Melville on the difference between fast fish and loose fish.
Chicken Soup with Rice: It’s so nice. Sip it once, sip it twice.
As a preparation for the upcoming Color Wars, Wednesday has been designated Green Day*. Please choose from the following options:
Green Eggs and Ham: Thanks to unauthorized kitchen experiments by camper T. Geisel (Underwood Cabin), we have several servings of miscolored but otherwise edible ham and egg sandwiches available. Dining options include on a boat, with a goat, in a box, with a fox, in a house, or with a mouse (choose one).
Fried Green Tomatoes: Served with a small portion of secret-ingredient barbecue (limited quantity available; first-come, first-serve basis).
Soylent Green: This new-fangled synthetic food is an excellent choice if no more barbecue is available.
Also Available: A kale of two cities.
*not affiliated with the band Green Day
Oryx and Cake: Sample the unique and exotic flavor of a rare African antelope, followed by a delicious layer cake baked with eggs from genetically engineered chickens.
Avocado Stuffed with Crabmeat: Served under glass with a grape jelly garnet sauce.
Note: Due to past incidents of food poisoning, all campers must present signed wavers before eating. Electroshock therapy sessions available as needed.
As per camp policy, campers are responsible for their own meals on weekends. Popular options include a picnic at hanging rock, breakfast at Tiffany’s, naked lunch, water for chocolate, a moveable feast, the restaurant at the end of the universe, and cooking in the night kitchen (open 6 -9 pm).
Cabin Assignments have been posted on the main bulletin board. Please report to your cabin immediately following the Pencil-Sharpening Pancake Breakfast. Note this is not the same the Pencil-Shaving Picnic Lunch which will be held later in the week. All Cabin Assignments are final, there will be no editing or revising of the cabin assignments.
T. Geisel Dr. Seuss
L. F. Baum
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