AUTHORITIES ARREST ALLEGED MONKEY MURDERER
Quirk Books Compound, Olde City, Philadelphia PA— After weeks of tense speculation and careful detective work, Philadelphia’s Olde City Department of Police announced today that they have arrested the person they believe to have been responsible for the murder of local spider monkey Cornelius Pringles, who was found dead in his office on June 1.
The suspect has been identified as Erma Endpaper, a book designer employed at the same publishing company as the late Pringles. “We’re shocked, but not that shocked,” said Quirk Books president [NAME REDACTED] in a statement to the press. “Pringles was not popular around here as a middle manager or as a monkey.”
According to OCDP chief constable Tim O’Donnell, while there were several suspects, tips from Quirk Books social media followers revealed a number of clues that led to the arrest of Endpaper:
- She claimed to be out sick the day of the crime, but a photograph taken that day indicates otherwise.
- The same photograph shows Endpaper to be in possession of Pringles’ coffee mug, which was later found at the scene of the murder.
- An anonymous phone tip proved to be unreliable because it placed Endpaper at “the corner of Market and Chestnut streets.” Those streets are parallel. The tip was likely phoned by Endpaper herself.
- Forensic analysis revealed that Pringles was poisoned after drinking coffee. Endpaper had just finished working on the Quirk book Stuff Every Murderer Should Know, which includes a chapter on poison.
“We just need to figure out her motive,” Constable O’Donnell said, shortly before Endpaper herself blurted this out while being escorted to a squad car:
“Yes I did it! And I’ll tell you why: that monkey was a lazy bum who just bossed people around and never did any work! My cat deserved his job! My cat is the supreme animal and all other creatures are dust beneath his paws! Also if my neighbor hears this please feed my cat! Three forkfuls of wet food and top off his bowl of water!”
“I guess that explains everything,” O’Donnell added.
PDP Crime Scene Documentation Case #4587F, official photo 6/1/18
QUIRK BOOKS ANNOUNCES SUSPICIOUS DEATH OF MID-LEVEL MONKEY
Quirk Books Compound, Olde City, Philadelphia PA — Quirk Books, the Philadelphia-based publisher of books such as Hope Never Dies, today announced the death of long-term employee and spider monkey (Ateles species) Cornelius Pringles.
“Mr. Pringles, as we called him, may not have been our most popular employee…no, to clarify, he absolutely was not our most popular employee,” said Quirk's President. “Not even in the top twenty. But he did work here, and was fairly competent, and will perhaps be missed for a short time.”
The monkey was hired as the Quirk Books resource manager after impressing the senior staff with his dexterity, tool-using ability, and prehensile tail. His duties at Quirk included gathering fruit and nuts from nearby trees, vocalizing to warn of approaching predators, and conducting annual employee reviews. Quirk first met Mr. Pringles while visiting with paper vendors in South America.
Pringles was found dead in his office on the fourth floor of Quirk Tower, and is believed to have died between the hours of 6:00pm on May 31 and 9:00am June 1. Police are treating the death as a homicide. “We totally would like to solve the crime of this dead monkey,” said Olde City Department of Police chief constable Tim O’Donnell. “Really. But we have, you know, other stuff to do.” According to constable O’Donnell, the OCDP will be releasing further details about the homicide investigation in the hopes that members of the public will step forward and offer assistance. “If somebody could figure this out for us, that would be great,” O’Donnell noted.
Pringles is survived by a family of ticks that lived in his fur.
We need your help to catch Mr. Pringles' killer!
Are you up for the job? Every day, we'll drop details of the investigation on social media and link them below so you can review all the evidence. You'll have a chance to solve the mystery up until 11:59pm ET on Monday, June 25.
At the end of the week, plug your answer into the embedded form on this page and you'll be entered into a drawing for the Murder Mystery Beach Pack that includes the following: a selection of Quirk mystery titles (Hope Never Dies, The Con Artist, and Ten Dead Comedians), a Book Nerd tank from our friends at Out of Print, a beach towel, water bottle, sunscreen, and a Quirk tote bag to carry it all!
Answers must be sent in by June 25, 2018 at 11:59pm ET. By submitting your entry, you agree to our Terms and Conditions.
Ten Dead Comedians by Fred Van Lente
As the story opens, nine comedians of various acclaim are summoned to the island retreat of legendary Hollywood funnyman Dustin Walker. The group includes a former late-night TV host, a washed-up improv instructor, a ridiculously wealthy “blue collar” comic, and a past-her-prime Vegas icon. All nine arrive via boat to find that every building on the island is completely deserted. Marooned without cell phone service or wifi signals, they soon find themselves being murdered one by one. But who is doing the killing, and why?
A darkly clever take on Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and other classics of the genre, Ten Dead Comedians is a marvel of literary ventriloquism, with hilarious comic monologues in the voice of every suspect. It’s also an ingeniously plotted puzzler with a twist you’ll never see coming!
About the Author:
Fred Van Lente is the #1 New York Times bestselling, award-winning writer of comics like Odd Is on Our Side (with Dean R. Koontz), Archer & Armstrong (Harvey Award nominee, Best Series and Special Award for Humor) and Action Philosophers! (American Library Association Best Graphic Novel for Teens). He co-wrote the original graphic novel Cowboys & Aliens (with Andrew Foley), the basis for the feature film. His last mystery was the Quirk Books title The Con Artist. His many other titles include X Men Noir, Weird Detective (Dark Horse 2016), Resurrectionists, The Comic Book History of Comics, The Incredible Hercules (with Greg Pak), Taskmaster, Marvel Zombies and The Amazing Spider-Man.
Hope Never Dies by Andrew Shaffer
Vice President Joe Biden is fresh out of the Obama White House and feeling adrift when his favorite railroad conductor dies in a suspicious accident, leaving behind an ailing wife and a trail of clues. To unravel the mystery, “Amtrak Joe” re-teams with the only man he’s ever fully trusted—the 44th president of the United States. Together they’ll plumb the darkest corners of Delaware, traveling from cheap motels to biker bars and beyond, as they uncover the sinister forces advancing America’s opioid epidemic.
Part noir thriller and part bromance novel, Hope Never Dies is essentially the first published work of Obama/Biden fanfiction—and a cathartic read for anyone distressed by the current state of affairs.
About the Author:
Andrew Shaffer is the New York Times best-selling author of the satirical thriller The Day of the Donald: Trump Trumps America (Crooked Lane Books) and the Goodreads Choice semi-finalist Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody (Da Capo Press/Hachette Books), amongst other humorous fiction and nonfiction books for HarperCollins and Penguin Random House. Subsidiary rights for his books have been sold to Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, Turkey, France, Italy, and the Czech Republic. His next book, Ain't Got Time to Bleed: Realistic Medical Reports on Hollywood's Greatest Action Heroes, will be released in October 2017 from Insight Editions/Simon & Schuster. He has appeared as a guest on FOX News, CBS, and NPR, and has been published in McSweeney's, Mental Floss, Inc., and Maxim. Shaffer attended the Iowa Writers' Workshop for a summer semester and studied comedy writing at Chicago's The Second City. An Iowa native, Shaffer lives in Lexington, Kentucky, with his wife, novelist Tiffany Reisz.
The Con Artist by Fred Van Lente
Comic book artist Mike Mason arrives at San Diego Comic-Con, seeking sanctuary with other fans and creators—and maybe to reunite with his ex—but when his rival is found murdered, he becomes the prime suspect. To clear his name, Mike will have to navigate every corner of the con, from zombie obstacle courses and cosplay flash mobs to intrusive fans and obsessive collectors, in the process unraveling a dark secret behind one of the industry’s most legendary creators.