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1. Carry a gun and shoot out the wheels of anyone who cut me off in traffic. Especially if they didn't use their blinker.

2. I'd start tipping better at Starbucks, maybe as much as 50%.

3. Sponsor a foam party like I've always dreamed.

4. Go against everything I've ever said and become a Christian just to play it safe.

5. Stop listening to jam band music because there's just not enough time.

6. Take my Fantasy Football more seriously.

7. Stop driving a hybrid.

8. Start treating cocaine like an everyday condiment and put it on everything.

9. Kill the Pope.

10. Try squash.

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Actor and comedian Matt Besser is a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade. He wrote and directed the film Freak Dance, and he hosts the weekly improvisational comedy podcast Improv4Humans. www.MattBesser.com


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