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Most of us adore the holidays and attending or hosting the parties that come along with them, but face it: there’s always a bit of anxiety over the guest list. Will your crush show up and stand underneath the mistletoe with you, or will you be stuck chatting with an obnoxious coworker at the punch bowl? Maybe it’s just better to sit the whole thing out…

In that spirit, we’ve found five fictional characters who won’t attend your holiday soiree…for better or for worse.

 

Mary from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Let’s be real. Mary is going to skip your party to read a book. But you should be grateful! She might want to sing and play piano for you—an activity that will hurt your ears and have you reaching for your earplugs. Worse, if she doesn’t indulge herself by showing off her musical “talents,” she’ll probably talk your ear off about all the, er, fascinating subjects she’s been studying. If you want to bypass this party pain, you should send her the latest academic history of the harpsichord or something. That should keep her busy.

 

Holden from Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Holden will not deign to attend your Christmas party because you and your friends are a bunch of phonies. But who needs him, anyway? Crushing on Holden Caulfield is so middle school, and his red hunting hat would throw off your classy dress code, anyway. Besides, who wants to hear a kid ramble on about the ducks in Central Park? Let him stay in his seedy New York hotel alone.

 

Eloise from Eloise by Kay Thompson

Don’t get us wrong: Eloise would want to attend your Christmas party, which she would declare fabulous as she dined on all your sweets. Also, she would bring flashy gifts, and she would be the most enthusiastic dancer.

There’s just one problem: Eloise is six. She couldn’t partake in the spiked punch without serious legal ramifications (providing alcohol to minors?! You rascal!). What’s more, you’d have to hide your expensive ornaments and your single friends. Your glass baubles might be broken by the end of the night, and she might try to pair your friends together. It’s hard to tell whether you should cross your fingers that she successfully gets past Nanny.

 

Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

We’re talking about a character in a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower, so it should be no surprise that Charlie will not show up to your holiday party. Charlie is a self-described recluse, and he spends his time writing to a person who seems kind instead of engaging in the real world. He will probably stay at home creating a Christmas card for his pen pal instead of leaning against the wall at your party.

Still, if you’ve gotta have him at your soiree, invite his friend Sam. If Sam is going, there is a good chance that Charlie will tag along…not that Charlie has, like, a crush or anything. (Keep your eye on the mistletoe.)

 

Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Raskolnikov will miss your holiday party because he is in jail. Although this is probably a good thing, as you would otherwise have to hide your knives, other sharp objects, and also your grandmother.

Yes, it is definitely a good thing that he remains frozen in Siberia rather than plotting murder by your fireplace. 


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Sarah Fox's picture

Sarah Fox

Sarah Fox is an editor, writer, writing consultant, and pop culture enthusiast. Besides regularly contributing to Quirk Books’ blog, she has published an edition of William Shakespeare's Measure for Measure. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and Pembroke Welsh Corgi. You can find her online at www.thebookishfox.com.