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No matter how much you love your family the Thanksgiving Day table can easily turn into a scene from The Hunger Games when there’s only one Pillsbury roll left and more than one hand grabbing for it. That’s why along with our fictional-characters-we’d-love-to-picnic-with list we also have 7 fictional characters banned from our turkey dinner. No turkey for you!

1. Miss Trunchbull

Easiest decision: Matilda and Miss Honey have standing invitations. Trunchbull has a Chokey for “misbehaved” kids—what would she do to us if she didn’t like our pumpkin pie?! No one could ever wear pigtails. We’d never again have a shot at being victorious at breaking the wishbone.

 

2. Corrine Dollanganger

We like our cookies sans poison, thank you very much.

 

3. Amy and Nick Dunne

Admittedly, it would probably be amusing to have an Amy/Nick bingo card but the novelty would wear off when one of them throws a glass—or bottle and suddenly all the china is smashed. Plus if we had to take a shot every time someone said “psycho” it would forever be known as the Thanksgiving everyone got alcohol poisoning.

 

4. Aunt Marjorie

Harry Potter also has an open invitation to all our holidays, so naturally Aunt Marjorie is persona non grata. Seriously, if she brought us a box of dog biscuits we’d crush them into her dessert and make her eat them--see, she just brings out the worst in us!

 

5. Prince Robot IV

That TV would be the most distracting thing at the table, with all the annoying relatives trying to change the channel, fighting over what to watch, and adjusting the antennae. 

 

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Like he’d leave any food for anyone else. 

 

 

7. Dorothy

Not the first Dorothy, this is the one who returns to Oz in Dorothy Must Die and becomes mad with power. We’re all for a happy holiday, but if it’s mandated, these smiles are turning into scowls—just try and sentence us to attitude adjustment! And we’d have to call animal services if she so much as looked at a flying monkey the wrong way.

 

Tell us which fictional characters are banned from your Thanksgiving table—we may need to add them to our list.


Jamie Canaves's picture

Jamie Canaves

Jamie Canaves creates for Dinky Cow, tumbles, chirps, writes, and loves everything ‘80s. Her happily-ever-after is living inside a seaside bookstore equally stocked with chocolate—please slide pizza under door.